Fortunately for the people trapped in this sweltering, crab-ridden retreat for Christian personal trainers—and rather unfortunately for the conceit of this series—things have really dried up in paradise, tears-wise. But that’s not to say that no one cried! Please, this is a Bachelor show.
This week in paradise, Chris Bukowski joined the show, got blackout drunk, and left the show; Mackenzie—whose son is named Kale, “like the vegetable”—joined the show, talked about her strongly-held belief in mermaids, went on a date with Justin, and became confused when a “Spanish” man wouldn’t stop speaking to her in Spanish (“Como está?” she kept repeating); Jaclyn joined the show with 10 pounds of face glitter and no moral boundaries, and decided that Jared, whom Ashley I. had all but peed on, had “potensh”; Tanner literally could not stop describing women as villainous bugs, referring to both Samantha and Jaclyn as man-eating spiders and preying mantises; and Tenley actually peed on Juelia after getting stung by a jellyfish.
Here is everyone who cried this week.
Amber came on the show to date Dan (whose ultra-coiffed beard has really been shining with sweat of late, and related: Dan sucks) but she wasn’t sure Dan was that into her so she went salsa dancing with Justin to make him jealous. After making out with Justin in the ocean, Amber cries, because she’s still “so attracted to Dan”; when she reports back to Dan, he is like, I don’t really like you, though, to which she responds: “I want to go in the ocean and float away.”
Just because we didn’t see actual teardrops does not mean Ashley I. didn’t cry this week, okay? She has still not given up on Jared, who has attempted to break things off with her nearly every week; this time, she awkwardly thrusts at him approx. 10 handwritten pages, front and back, describing her feelings. “I’m a natural-born writer,” she informs Jared, before sprinting away.
Soon afterwards, an embattled Amber decides to go for Jared, offering him her rose and then—good for Amber!—sitting Ashley down to come clean about it. “I’ve never been so emotionally overwhelmed in my life,” says Ashley. “Jareds don’t come around that often.” Fortunately for Ashley I., her name gets called first in the rose ceremony, and she gets to claim dibs. BUT THEN, Jaclyn comes in, also interested in Jared, so Ashley has to do something totally crazy to keep him in her corner, aka OFFER HIM HER VIRGINITY via an OVERNIGHT DATE CARD one second before Jaclyn asks him on a date.
“I’d like to do stuff with Jared,” Ashley summarizes to the camera. Jared says yes.
Samantha finally sends Joe home in THE BIGGEST BETRAYAL IN BACHELOR HISTORY, after Dan is like, he’s not a good guy, have sex with me instead. “There’s too much drama following me,” she tells Joe, regarding the drama that she helped to start by telling him to lead Juelia on for a rose. “It’s been a complete nightmare, I’ve never dealt with drama in my entire life.”
Joe continues to be gross in the limo home, muttering, “Dammit, I should have [bleeped] her brains out.” (As a side note, this was very confusing for me—I had thus far assumed everyone was boning constantly on this show, because what else is there to do on Hell Beach, but maybe not?)
Sam is upset that everyone thinks she’s a “master manipulator,” because “I live my life based on the truth.” A confrontation with some fellow cast members goes downhill when Ashley S. joins in with some oddly-timed compliments, telling Samantha, “I honestly feel so struck by you.” Later, in an interview, Ashley S. elaborates: ““It’s like Aphrodite, it’s like a game, like you weren’t born out of a flower,” and “She’s like a dead bird to me.”
Anyway, “I can’t fake this!” Samantha tells Dan, pointing to her tears.
Contact the author at email@example.com.
Images via screenshots/ABC.