Everyone Loves Good Lighting

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Relationships with lighting are much more important to most of our self-images than we give them credit for. Stumble into some good lighting and take a photo? Instant self-esteem boost. Some cretin snaps a candid of a subject in shadow looking like a grizzled trash goblin? That image becomes a haunting component of the collective sense of self. Just think of all the sexy ways we describe illumination: mood lighting, gentle glow, warm bath. My point is, most of us are already in a one-sided relationship with lighting, and if a stately chandelier found its way into my home, consistently and generously irradiating my more pleasing attributes while diminishing flaws, I would also declare my undying love for said lighting.


So I say let those among us who have not enjoyed the favor of beneficent lighting cast the first stone at the English woman betrothed to a 92-year-old German chandelier called Lumiere.

As with most things, however, British tabloid The Sun disagrees. Amanda Liberty (previously married to the Statue of Liberty) recently brought a complaint against The Sun to the Independent Press Standards Organization claiming that the tabloid’s mockery of her relationship with the light fixture amounted to prejudice based on sexual orientation:

“Liberty identifies as an ‘objectum sexual’ – an individual who is attracted to objects. She objected to being included in an end-of-year article by Sun columnist Jane Moore, which nominated her for a “Dagenham Award (Two Stops Past Barking)” prize, simply because of her sexual attraction to Lumiere.”

IPSO ultimately ruled that their code is meant to protect people attracted to other, consenting people and dismissed her claim, which is also correct. My argument, however, is not that Liberty should be offered recompense by a standards committee, but in our private hearts and minds. If I had to judge by my Instagram feed right now, I would say that many of us are currently more seriously considering fucking our sourdough starters than other humans and are in no position to judge the person who’s found a bit of comfort in an undeniably attractive piece of home decor. So best wishes to you and your betrothed, Amanda, may many flatteringly lit years await you.



Speaking of lighting, wtf is up with straight dudes dialling into work video conferences from what appear to be poorly lit crack dens? Are they really not aware that sitting under a down light makes them look like they just got back from pulling children into the back of a van? Would it really be that hard to reposition your setup so that there’s not a massive window directly behind you? Also while you are at it, maybe move the basket of laundry so it’s not in view of executives who can probably go find someone twice as experienced to do your job for half the price in this economy. FFS.

/gay rant over