Hey, everybody! A little something called the GOLDEN GLOBES is happening right now, SOUND YOUR HORNS, and I am #honored and #humbled to be your guide through the mass of fabric and celebrity currently clomping through the Beverly Hilton.
Here's the gown rundown — I'll be updating throughout the night:
The earlybirds have arrived, and they are all vaguely color-coordinated in various hues of blush, with Rosamund Pike in Vera Wang, Lilliana Vazquez, and Louise Roe in peachy-white...
...and Giuliana Rancic, Emmanuelle Chiqri, and Tracey Edmonds going for pinkier gowns.
Already livening up the palette, though: Kat Kramer, Conchita Wurst, Kelly Osborne, doing her lavender pompadour thing again.
More blush! Did we miss a memo? "MISS GOLDEN GLOBE 2015 GREER GRAMMER," Zosia Mamet (with hair to match), Chrissy Teigen.
A study in '70s draping and flourishes: Laura Prepon, Amanda Peet, Lana Del Rey aka Priscilla Presley/June Carter Cash reincarnate.
Sleek, chic, classic old-Hollywood glamour is almost never the wrong choice: Naomi Watts, Amy Adams, Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Excellent suit brigade: Lorde in custom Narciso Rodriguez, Patti Smith and Lenny Kaye, Emma Joy Kitchener and her husband, Downton Abbey creator Baron Julian Fellowes.
Some really great gowns here: The Affair's Julia Goldani Telles stuns in Oscar De La Renta, Gina Rodriguez is a DAMN QUEEN in Badgley Mischka, and Allison Williams has officially de-Peter Pan'd herself with this tiered red Armani Prive.
Lots of silver floor-lengths, to varying degrees of success: Dakota Johnson wears Chanel Haute Couture and the bodice looks very disco tube-top; Julianne Moore pulls out all the stops in a feathered ombré Givenchy, Diane Kruger does good in a perfectly fitted Emilia Wickstead.
Embellishments galore: Quvenzhané Wallis is adorable as always in Armani Junior, somebody at Chanel is really fucking with Keira Knightley, and Jennifer Lopez just went for a really chill, comfortable option with this skin-tight Zahair Murad cape-dress hybrid.
SO MUCH RED TONIGHT. Taylor Schilling in a sleek red Ralph Lauren, Viola Davis is wearing a strapless Donna Karan Atelier with some questionable beading, and Lena Dunham...went the Zac Posen route again. IS HE REALLY YOUR FRIEND, LENA??? IDK!!
No game-changers in this crop, but overall some good looks: Salma Hayek in a lovely, if safe, belted white A-line; Matthew McConaughey, his gross beard, and Camila Alves in a simple blush strapless, and Reese Witherspoon in effortless Calvin Klein.
Showing some leg tonight: Jennifer Aniston is rocking what appears to be a memorial to her favorite year, 1999; Emma Stone KILLS IT in a Lanvin jumpsuit, and Cindy Crawford is wearing some terrible dress that she still looks amazing in.
THESE COUPLES, THO: Leslie Mann and Jenna Dewan-Tatum in buttery strapless gowns, Amal Clooney in regal-as-fuck custom Dior (sans gloves, I would be 100% on-board), and three guys in tuxes, IDK their names!
Tina Fey in Antonio Berardi and Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney—gotta say, not a huge fan of either; the accessories aren't helping. My really close friends John Krasinski and Emily Blunt showed up, with La Blunt in a perfect grecian Michael Kors; Melissa McCarthy looks like she's having a great time despite the fact that someone put her in a Colonel Sanders costume.
Kerry Washington is incredible in an unusual dual-toned Mary Kantrantzou, Uzo Aduba looks sexy as hell in a beaded halter gown by Randi Rahm, and Anna Faris is happier than you or I will ever be so who cares what she's wearing, let's all just go to bed.
Can Someone Please Tell Me What Jane Fonda Is Wearing; Kathy Bates rocking a mumuu, a grim expression, and a "Je Suis Charlie" sign; Helen Mirren is doing some version of this move in every photo on Getty and I love it.
Jessica Chastain and Kate Hudson do plunging excellence; Anna Kendrick, however, is a little too bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this princess-y Monique Lhuillier.
'Tis Lupita, everyone. A violet in Giambattista Valli.
Images via Getty.