A few of the effects of social distancing—binge-watching literally whatever the fuck and forced monogamy—coalesced the other night when my boyfriend and I were watching the first-ever episode of the ’80s/early ’90s cartoon series Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears: I found myself kind of horny for the show’s villain, Duke Sigmund Igthorn.
For those unfamiliar with the show, it’s “loosely inspired by the candy,” per Wikipedia, and features magical anthropomorphized bears who themselves seem a little bit more than loosely inspired by the Seven Dwarfs. They fight evil with the help of “Gummiberry juice,” which makes them extremely bouncy. I don’t really know what else they do because I can’t remember and also we stopped watching after the first episode, but you get the gist. They’re bears, but so much more than that.
Their nemesis is the power-hungry Duke Sigmund Igthorn, who controls an army of ogres. He’s swole under his leotard and wears what almost looks like a singlet that flares out into a skirt that modestly obscures what I am convinced is quite the cartoon dick.
He probably could have used a few front squats so that his quads matched his upper body, but it was the ‘80s. You gotta accept things as being products of their time. I think Igthorn is hung for a few reasons. The large, handsome nose he has tends to be an indicator (this is not scientific I know, and yet it’s often true). He has big-dick energy, strutting all around, commanding ogres that are maybe one and a half times the size of him. He seems just as comfortable topping them with his orders as we would be taking it from them. Again, nothing scientific here, but something about the ease with which he navigates the give-and-take of social interaction and yet remains getting exactly what he wants from his partners feels very kielbasa-briefs to me.
Anyway, here he is in action, in case you’re curious:
Also in that premiere episode, the Gummi Bears practiced social distancing. The show feels more relevant than ever.
Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears ran six seasons, until 1991. That’s a lotta dick.