Eternal Bridesmaid Seeks World Record for Catching Bouquets

A Utah woman named has filed an application with the Guinness Book of World Records as being the person who’s caught the most bouquets at any wedding, ever. That number? 46. Out of the past 100 weddings she’s been to since 1996.

But how, you might be wondering as you dig into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, the trailer from 50 Shades of Grey hazily playing in the background as you wipe your spoon across the sweatshirt you’ve worn for the past three days, wistfully recounting your own time in the spotlight as the nubile bridesmaid du jour. How did she do it? The trick, said Jamie Jackson, is “strategic” positioning.

Via AP Online:

“It is something that you have to plan for and you have to be very strategic where you place yourself,” she told KSL. “My strategy is to be right up in the front because a lot of time the brides don’t know how far they are going to throw it.

“A lot of times it will hit a ceiling, it’ll hit a chandelier … I’ve had many, many catches where I’ve had to jump for it. And I’ve hit little kids by accident.”

In other words: fuck little kids who have no business of ambling to catch a bouquet when they have years of matrimonial eligibility at their disposal. Thine toes shall be crushed under the weight of a dyed satin d’Orsay pump.

Jackson, who’s single, added that it’s not all about catching the bouquet so that she can be next in line to get hitched. Rather, she said, “It’s just been a fun process over the years.”