Bing bong! It’s hard to believe that Mayor Eric Adams has only been in office for six months, given that the man can’t shut the fuck up. He says he’s going to make New York teachers introduce cryptocurrency lessons. He had reportedly “been dying to go” to the Met Gala for years, only to finally show up at this year’s event in a mouthy “END GUN VIOLENCE” tux, instead of just putting on a man-bustle and shutting his trap. He demanded we “get back to work” long before the pandemic was over. And he claims that “When you’re out at night, it helps decrease crime.” Ok? Adams is also hoping to heal the city by lifting mask mandates, and, now, according to The New York Times, changing zoning laws so people can dance more???
Earlier this week, The New York Times reported that Adams had proposed changes to zoning laws that would aid in “New York City’s recovery” by enabling more nightlife venues to allow…dancing. In 2017, the city struck down its 1926 Cabaret Law, which made it illegal for party hoppers to dance or sing at establishments that did not have an appropriate license. But apparently, some zoning laws still on the books left some venues (though he did not specify which) unable to host dancing, so the Broccoli Mayor punted it up his list of priorities right next to “LOTS MORE POLICE,” and declared with authority to the great city of New York: “Let the people dance.” Dancing is also high on my list of priorities, but I’m a nihilistic twenty-something trying to rid myself of generalized doom, and not, you know, the mayor of fucking New York?
While The Times points out that the Cabaret law once targeted “racially mixed” jazz clubs in Harlem, and while activists note that the law has left a lingering impact on predominantly Black and brown businesses, let’s be honest with each other. Eric Adams does not want to improve zoning laws to help Black and brown business owners, although that may be an unintended benefit. He wants to improve zoning laws because the idiot cannot stop dancing.
He has been spotted doing the Electric Slide in the middle of the street with his groupies, dancing during the Primaries, onstage at Elsewhere, with Cara Delevigne, and outside Rosanna Scotto’s “power” restaurant Fresco by Scotto to “Native New Yorker” by Odyssey. He’s been spotted at former NYC Councilman Adam Clayton Powell IV’s party at Hidden Lane with Nicki Minaj’s mom Carol Maraj, at downtown members-only social club Zero Bond rubbing elbows withthe likes of Kate Hudson and Golide Hawn, at the opening night of Sarah Jessica Parker’s play “Plaza Suite,” and seated next to Anna Wintour in the front row of Michael Kors during New York Fashion Week. In fact, the one thing I haven’t seen Mayor Eric Adams do is his actual fucking job.
Considering the Mayor of Broccoli has pledged to visit a different bar, club, or restaurant every night, I’m not sure when he gets any actual policy planning done other than clinking overpriced crystal glassware with Société or starting impromptu dance parties with his billionaire buddies like Google founder Eric Schmidt, Softbank CEO Marcelo Claure, Madison Square Garden Sports CEO James Dolan, and Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris.
It’s hard to imagine how he’s even found the time to keep the city safe! After a subway shooting in Brooklyn’s Sunset Park earlier this year, which left an estimated 29 people injured, Adams vowed to increase police presence in subway stations after already increasing police presence in subway stations, which did not in any way shape, or form stop the shooting from occurring. He has also focused his efforts on “turnstile jumpers” who cannot afford subway fares, removing unhoused people from stations in the dead of winter, and removing permitted street vendors from places they are legally allowed to work. Thank you, Mayor, finally I can sleep at night.
It’s not like there are 2.5 million cases of Covid in the city at the moment or anyone reeling from the racially motivated mass shooting in a Buffalo grocery store frequented mostly by Black customers, despite Adams running on a gun violence platform. Nothing to see here. Let’s focus on the dancing!!!