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Enjoy This Story From Nicole Byer About Finding Poop In an Airplane Blanket

Nicole Byer, storyteller extraordinaire and star of Loosely Exactly Nicole, appeared on Conan Tuesday night to share a story that will haunt all of us forever: she found poop wrapped up in her sealed airplane blanket. In First. Class.

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The story is fairly straightforward—she was cold on a Delta flight, she opened the bag containing her blanket, a few brown crumbs fell out, and things escalated from there. She even discovered some Blanket Flakes in her phone some time after the incident, as though the poop was actually alien matter seeking a host. The airline believes the poop is very much human, likely that of a disgruntled employee, to which Byer says, “Really? Treat ‘em better!”

According to Byer, Delta Airlines initially offered 250 Delta Bucks as an apology to which she countered, “Give me an airplane.” She eventually got her ticket refunded, miles, and 600 Delta Bucks, but to go further than that Byer would have had to agree not to talk about the incident. And that would be a shame.

Contributing Writer, writing my first book for the Dial Press called The Lonely Hunter, follow me on Twitter @alutkin

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I have a recent poop story!!!!! Me! Me!

On Sunday, I went to Home Depot. On arrival I had to pee so bad that I speed walked from my car into the building and right to the back where the restrooms are. On my way into the bathroom a Home Depot worker was on her way out. We smiled at each other. I bolted into a stall and felt something strange beneath me. I looked down and realized I stepped in a wet log of poop that had just been sitting there on the floor. I suddenly forgot how badly I had to pee. I pulled off my boot and tip toed to the sink where I attempted to rinse of the boot. There were no paper towels, only hand dryers. I hopped back to a different stall to grab some toilet paper leaving my boot on the edge of the sink. The boot fell down into the sink. The automated water filled up the inside of my boot. The Home Depot lady I saw as I entered came back with some tape to block off the poop stall!!!!! She was like, “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything to you because I thought you would see the poop.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! After getting my soggy boot cleaned off, I was given two bags. One to tape onto my foot and one to hold my soggy boot. Meanwhile my boyfriend was waiting outside the restrooms like WTF is happening. When we left, every employee had already heard what was happening. The check out girl is like, “Let me help you out and give you a discount for your trouble.” I got 50% off my $7 purchase.