In what’s being called “the Canadian girlfriend of excuses,” X owner and noted Divorced Guy Elon Musk is sharing highly detailed updates about a mysterious, suspicious injury, the same day that Mark Zuckerberg essentially accused him of being too scared to fight him.
On Sunday, Musk went into detail about the exercise regimen he’s ostensibly taking on to prepare for the much-publicized cage fight that he and Zuckerberg first started trolling the world with back in June: “Am lifting weights throughout the day, preparing for the fight. Don’t have time to work out, so I just bring them to work,” said the man who somehow has time to tweet every fascist dog whistle that comes into his head.
Zuckerberg responded by insisting Musk is actually the one holding up the proposed fight in question, which has the full blessing of UFC president Dana White. “I’m ready today. I suggested Aug. 26 when he first challenged, but he hasn’t confirmed,” Zuckerberg said on Sunday afternoon, with the admirably bitchy little addendum, “Not holding my breath.”
Now that Zuckerberg has very publicly—and very unsubtly—questioned the 52-year-old father of nine’s manhood, Musk has responded by leaning into his claims of being injured. “Exact date is still in flux,” he tweeted of the fight Sunday night. “I’m getting an MRI of my neck & upper back tomorrow. May require surgery before the fight can happen. Will know this week.” This, of course, isn’t the first time Musk has used the ‘ol “I’m injured” excuse. Back in July, he tempered the public’s expectations for the fight by telling us he “might need an operation to strengthen the titanium plate holding my C5/C6 vertebrae together, but otherwise good to go.”
The alleged back injury stems from a past fight between Musk and a sumo wrestler. Musk first shared photos of the face-off in March 2022, without specifying when the fight took place. “Managed to throw him, but it cost me smashing my c5-c6 disc & 8 years of mega back pain! Finally fixed with c5-c6 disc fusion,” he said on Twitter.
All of this comes after Musk simultaneously spent a chunk of the weekend further hyping the fight that clearly isn’t happening: “If the fight is short, I probably win. If long, he may win on endurance. I am much bigger and there is a reason MMA has weight divisions,” he wrote in another Sunday tweet replying to one of his sycophants. Later in the night, he declared that he was “going with WWE as my fighting style.” All of this really just confirms my theory that Musk wants to keep talking about the fight ad infinitum—without actually having to participate in it, as he’d likely get his shit wrecked. Hence, all the tweeting about his supposedly very serious and very real injury.
To Musk’s point about the pair’s size differentials, Zuckerberg is shorter and leaner than the Tesla CEO, with visibly defined muscles, as we’ve all been forced to observe in the numerous shirtless or scantily clad pics that he tends to post of himself in jiu-jitsu training. Musk, by contrast, is taller and has been pretty brutally fat-shamed by his own father.
I’ll say it: I’d love to see this fight, if for no other reason than that it would at least briefly get these two wealth-hoarding assholes—both of whom are single-handedly responsible for some of the world’s nastiest atrocities—to shut up. How much more can we take of Musk tweeting out that their imaginary little fight will be streamed live on X to fundraise for veterans, only for Zuckerberg to chirp back on Threads that they should instead use a “more reliable platform that can actually raise money for charity”?
I just want to see this thing happen, because it would be deeply embarrassing for everyone involved and an enormous waste of time, which I think we could all use right now amidst a hot, lazy summer. Unfortunately, I’m with Zuckerberg on this and “not holding my breath.”