Elizabeth Gilbert Is Trying to Sell You Her Million-Dollar Home

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love and original self-actualizing Manic Pixie Dream Protagonist is selling her beautiful 19th century home in Frenchtown, New Jersey. Correction: she’s embarking on a journey, which she has dubbed Eat, Pray, Crib: One woman’s journey to sell her house. Really.

Starting bid? $999,000. (At that point, why don’t you just list the house for a million dollars?) But for those of you who are interested, she has graced us with a TWENTY MINUTE video tour of her home. It’s basically an episode of Cribs, but the WASP Lifestyle Edition: no color-changing pools or 20-car Lambo-only garages with a rotating showcase platform, sorry.

Full disclosure: I could not make it through the whole video. I made it about 18 seconds in before resigning to my own attention span and tolerance for rich white people talking about the things they own. So I just jumped around, but still managed to snag some great one-liners! For your pleasure:

“This is the second guest bedroom. We call it the red room.”

“I use it as an office. I also use it as a yoga space.”

“This is a little miniature desk. It’s very whimsical.”

“I also made sure that the ‘Skybrary’ has a bed. Not just a little bed for little kids, which is over here. But a giant king-sized napping bed over in this corner to make sure if you’re having trouble accessing your creative inspiration, you can take a very important map.”

“Totally custom made cabinets. This is actually our refrigerator. What? It looks like a cabinet—no! It’s a refrigerator! Is that another cabinet? No, it’s a dishwasher! Wait what’s going on over here? Also some beautiful cupboards, really nice, extra space. How about these cupboards? Oh psych! It’s a door!”

“This is a wall we brought with us from Indonesia in a shipping container and reassembled here, and it tells the story of the Buddha’s moment of enlightenment. It’s very beautiful. It’s staying—we’re not packing up that wall.”

“Your children can run outside and play and nobody will be hurt.”

This is the essence of house porn. The home is admittedly very, very beautiful, well kept, and well decorated. It has an attic-library, dubbed the “Skybrary,” which is amazing. Also, I get that some people need to shake things up and move around, and that’s fine. But this whole “journey” bit is kind of outrageous. Not everything needs to be a fucking odyssey, definitely not selling a house just because you can. I mean, if Elizabeth Gilbert gets to call putting a house on the market a journey, I hereby I reserve the right to call my morning bowel movement a journey as well.