Eat Some Muesli, You Dummies

This morning I came across two cereal-related stories: the first, at USA Today, suggested millennials are killing certain foods—cereal included—but also American cheese, beer, and canned tuna. (Little do they know, that’s almost my entire diet.) The second article was from Vox—an exploration of low-carb, high-protein Keto cereal alternatives for millennials, such as the overwhelmingly pink Magic Spoon brand, which sells four boxes for $39. That’s a ten dollar box of cereal.

I don’t know what kind of world you grew up in, but for me, cereal was a treat: a sugary snack that, for whatever reason, was an acceptable meal with which to start the day. (Muffins, you’re next.) No one is intending to be healthy when they’re chowing down on some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and more power to them. But if you want to make “healthy” eating choices, perhaps you should eat real food, not expertly-branded, wellness-oriented keto cereal that costs a small fortune. Might I suggest… muesli?

This, for the record, is not granola. There is a difference. According to Kitchn, while both are made of “grains, nuts, seeds, and dried fruits,” muesli is unbaked and granola has a bunch of sugary sweet shit added to it. That makes it more cereal-like, which makes sense because cereal as we know it
is supposed to be a sugar rush. Muesli is food for adults. It is delicious, often tough to eat (the struggle reminds you of how natural and good it is for you) and pairs well with most nut-based milk alternatives. When I discovered muesli, I became a new woman: A woman who graduated from cereal (which is for babies) to the real stuff. Dieting is a scam, but whole grains are forever. Also, it doesn’t cost $10 a box.

These are the end times. Weight Watchers thinks it can promote mindfulness through calorie counting. Silicon Valley bros have rebranded disordered eating as “extreme fasting.” The message of body positivity has been used to sell dieting aids. Nothing is anything anymore. Eat whatever makes you happy. Eat Muesli.