Eat Some Muesli, You Dummies

Illustration for article titled Eat Some Muesli, You Dummies
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This morning I came across two cereal-related stories: the first, at USA Today, suggested millennials are killing certain foods—cereal included—but also American cheese, beer, and canned tuna. (Little do they know, that’s almost my entire diet.) The second article was from Vox—an exploration of low-carb, high-protein Keto cereal alternatives for millennials, such as the overwhelmingly pink Magic Spoon brand, which sells four boxes for $39. That’s a ten dollar box of cereal.

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I don’t know what kind of world you grew up in, but for me, cereal was a treat: a sugary snack that, for whatever reason, was an acceptable meal with which to start the day. (Muffins, you’re next.) No one is intending to be healthy when they’re chowing down on some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and more power to them. But if you want to make “healthy” eating choices, perhaps you should eat real food, not expertly-branded, wellness-oriented keto cereal that costs a small fortune. Might I suggest... muesli?

This, for the record, is not granola. There is a difference. According to Kitchn, while both are made of “grains, nuts, seeds, and dried fruits,” muesli is unbaked and granola has a bunch of sugary sweet shit added to it. That makes it more cereal-like, which makes sense because cereal as we know it
is supposed to be a sugar rush. Muesli is food for adults. It is delicious, often tough to eat (the struggle reminds you of how natural and good it is for you) and pairs well with most nut-based milk alternatives. When I discovered muesli, I became a new woman: A woman who graduated from cereal (which is for babies) to the real stuff. Dieting is a scam, but whole grains are forever. Also, it doesn’t cost $10 a box.

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These are the end times. Weight Watchers thinks it can promote mindfulness through calorie counting. Silicon Valley bros have rebranded disordered eating as “extreme fasting.” The message of body positivity has been used to sell dieting aids. Nothing is anything anymore. Eat whatever makes you happy. Eat Muesli.

It's facetious. Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

HaHaYouFool
HaHaYouFool

Christ almighty, I’m so sick of the “millenials killed” this or that industry way of describing totally normal market forces that have existed from the beginning of time. So judgmental and blamey! The hostility is so dumb. I mean, if we’re being fair:

The Silent Generation (aka the Greatest Generation) killed the horse and buggy industry! The Silents killed the telegram industry! The Silents killed the radio drama industry!

The Baby Boomers killed the drive-in movie theater industry! The Boomers killed the traveling salesman industry!

Gen Xers killed the record industry!

Changes in social organization and rapid technological developments mean changes to our economy, and groups that are at different stages of life will play a bigger or smaller role in those changes, naturally. This blamey, hand-wringy way changes driven by/having an impact on millenials are reported is so irritating.