Let your mind run wild.
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In the wake of PussyGate, YouPorn reports that searches for both “Dwayne Johnson” and “DJ Khaled” are surging—because I guess some women wrongly assume that the tube site marketplace might actually cater to their desires as feverishly as it does men’s?

In case you somehow missed this important cunnilingus news cycle, DJ Khaled bragged last week that he doesn’t perform oral sex but expects it from his wife because he’s a sexist asshole. Johnson, ever the gym-rat Renaissance man, quickly took to Twitter to announce that “as a man, I take great pride in mastering ALL performances.” At which point, many a heterosexual woman was compelled to picture her legs hooked over those insane trapezius muscles—or “traps,” as The Rock calls ‘em.

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But, perhaps, some were unsatisfied with just picturing. As YouPorn reports in a new blog post:

While all oral sex searches remained consistent on the site, Dj Khaled’s average searches spiked up by 344% on Sunday and 888% on Monday. Dwayne Johnson’s average searches also went up by 493% on Sunday and 246% on Monday. Although, if this was an oral examination, we all know who would come out ahead.

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These stats are pretty meaningless, because we might be talking single-digit visits and single-digit increases. (But it gave me an excuse to keep talking about Dwayne Johnson and oral sex, so here we are.) After all, who really goes to YouPorn in search of The Rock porn? That’s why Ballers and YouTube sex scene piracy exist. More importantly: Who goes anywhere to search for DJ Khaled porn—can you even stand to imagine the dialogue?

But then I became one of those people—just to see what these wayward searchers might find. A “Dwayne Johnson” query served up videos with titles like “Stephanie hot from no A/C, Dwayne hot from Stephanie” (just a Dwayne, not the Dwayne) and “18yo Teen Cum Guzzler Maryjane Johnson” (might wanna tweak that algorithm, buds). There’s also a fair share of clips from the Fifty Shades franchise—because Dakota Johnson—which has to be the saddest jerk-off material in existence. A search for “DJ Khaled” unearths the little-known genre of DJ porn (“DJ rocks the party they all fuck for fun,” “This is out of control even the DJ at it”).

If the world was just, a big-budget adult studio would start working on a cunnilingus porn parody right now and put out a casting call for lookalikes. “JuMANji: Welcome to the Jungle”? “Fast & Furious Tongues”? “RaMANpage: The Pussy”? “Dwayne’s Johnson Isn’t Needed”?