Erotic scene, ca. 1524 (Fig. 1)
Illustration: Getty

DJ Khaled proved today that he is, in fact, da worst, by being an adult man who adamantly brags that he does not go down on Nicole Tuck, his partner of many years. While this is dumb and pathetic of a man-baby stance to have, particularly towards the mother of your demonstrably beloved tiny son, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you know, Nicole, you don’t want his face anywhere near your puss.

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This is why: Any dude who is acting like this is not only selfish, he is definitely gonna be bad at it, and you don’t want his inexperienced, wriggly little tongue anywhere near your delicacies. A wise man I used to sex when I was in my 20s and he was in his 30s taught me explicitly that you should stop accepting bad sex by the time you’re around 25 at the latest, and if you have bad sex a day after 30, well, that’s on you. I’m saying, we’re all too old for bad sex, and especially for whiny selfish dudes who have some weird hypermasculine archaic idea of what it means to practice cunnilingus, a sex act that has been going down in humanity for ALL OF TIME (SEE FIG. 1, ABOVE). Get another man or a vibrator. Do whatever you need to do. But whatever you do, do not let that dude’s selfish visage in your pannies. And he wants a blow job to boot? Lysistrata his ass. You deserve better.