Dudes Crush Helpless Garments With Man Iron

Do you wish you could iron some stuff, but you can’t, because you are a man? Despair no more — the Man Iron is here to solve all of your problems!

A reader sent us a helpful press release titled, “PHILIPS HELPS MEN TURBOCHARGE THROUGH THE IRONING WITH THE NEW ESSENTIAL POWERTOOL FOR THE MODERN MAN.” Below, a few highlights:

Ironing is an unenviable task, but a necessary evil for the modern man. For smart, creaseless shirts, men need the best tools for the job delivering speed and high performance. Men haven’t had it easy when it comes to finding an iron.

This is true. Throughout history, it has been impossible for men to simply go to a store and purchase an iron. Experts are unsure why this is true, but it may have something to do with the earth’s gravitational field. And balls.

Housed in a robust black outer casing, the new Philips Man Iron exudes masculinity. Unlike any other iron, the appliance boasts a sleek design –- resembling that of a premium sports car rather than a conventional iron.

Dudes like things that look like cars. Stay tuned for Philips’s next innovation, the TurboToilet, which careens around your bathroom at 120 mph while you are pooping.

With 2,400 watts of power and a scratchproof soleplate, the Philips Man Iron is expertly crafted using the toughest, most durable materials to produce a practically unbreakable tool that can meet the toughest ironing challenges delivering effortless results in minimum time with minimum fuss.

Know who likes time and fuss? Women, that’s who!

For difficult creases, Man Iron even has an Extra Steam Boost function that fires off an intense 100g shot of steam when you need it most, bulldozing creases in seconds.

Basically what they are saying here is: semen. Bulldozer semen.

A tough, scratchproof soleplate made from high-quality anodilium also gives ultimate glide so you can flatten out those creases in your shirts.

The soleplate is made from Wolverine’s skeleton.

It crushes the opposition and gets the job done fast, so you can get on with more important things, in style with crease-free confidence.

The Man Iron is a deadly weapon — because a real man doesn’t iron his shirts, he destroys them.