Drake's 'Erotic Watch' Declares It's Pussy-Eating Time

Drake, a rapper who thinks he’s a basketball coach, has been courtside throughout the NBA Finals, screaming and touching basketball players in excitement as his beloved Toronto Raptors play against the Golden State Warriors. At Game 5 of this blessed sporting event, Toronto’s biggest, shiniest boy showed up with a watch on his wrist that makes a loud statement about an act that, when performed correctly, is best left unsaid.

According to Page Six, Drake wore a $750,000 “erotic watch,” which displayed a message that I would rather not ever think about in association with Drake, a rapper so corny I want to laugh, then scream, whenever I see him doing anything other than making decent music to be played at top volume out of car windows. Here are some details about the watch:

The top bar can be changed to display statements like, “I want to,” “I need to,” “I long to,” “I lust to,” “I’d love to” and “Let me.” The middle bar adds in the active verbs, such as “explore,” “taste,” “kiss,” “arouse,” “devour” and “caress.” And the bottom bar gets into the specifics: “you tonight,” “your lips,” “your body,” “your nipples,” “your p—y” and “you madly.”

Of all the various options Drake could’ve chosen for this watch’s special, sexy message, he went with: “I’d love to kiss your pussy.” Considering these options, I suppose it’s the best? “I lust to devour you tonight” is something Drake would say, but feels oddly proper; “I need to caress your nipples” is not something I’d want anyone to say to me or anyone else, really. If you’re going to spend $750,000 on an erotic watch, I suppose being direct is the correct move. However, on behalf of myself, I’d like to make it clear that Drake’s need to telegraph his desire to rustle around in your undercarriage is, at best, a yellow flag. Use caution. Slow down. Yield.