Drake, What the Fuck?

By Kara Brown | May 13, 2016 | 5:50pm

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We are gathered here today to discuss a crisis that will affect the ovaries of woman across the globe: “Drizzy” Drake has shaved off his beard.

The post is now gone, but assuming it was real, it seems that Drake got rid of his beard for his upcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live, which is about the dumbest reason to shave off that beautiful beard that I can think of.

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First of all, SNL isn’t even funny these days, so truly, this was not worth the effort. Second, why couldn’t that entire roomful of professional, well-paid comedy writers just write a bunch of sketches where Drake plays a character with a damn beard? IS THAT HARD? Does that make shit less funny? (Admittedly, he definitely looks goofier without the beard, but I doubt anyone at SNL had that in mind.)

I would also like to point out that the face he is making in that Instagram photo is downright rude and is a contortion that only works when he has a beard because the beard masks the creepy way he’s pouting his lips.

For the majority of the time that most of us have cared about Drake, he’s rocked a heavy 5 o’clock shadow—a bit o’ scruff here and there.

It wasn’t until last summer when he let his face follicles run free and do the damn thing.

That glorious development coincided with him following Serena Williams around for the summer and watching her win tournaments due to his very understandable obsession. That also coincided with Drake’s decision to gain 10 to 15 pounds of pure muscle, I assume in order to be worthy of the unearthly beauty that is Serena Williams’ body.

It was a very good time.

I mean:

Yeah.

But those days are over. We’re back to this:

Now, I’m not going to say the beard is the only thing that made him hot, but damn, that beard looked good. Didn’t it?

What’s funny is that as early as last year’s Coachella, Drake did not have the beard we now know and love. I was in the audience, and yet I somehow don’t remember this.

I believe we’ve been blinded by the enchantment of the After Beard Era of Drake, which erases all memories of the Before Beard Era. This also tells me that we all have the memories of goldfish with serious brain trauma.

Drake says the beard will be back in two weeks, but it’s going to be hard for me to trust him again after this. Two weeks from Saturday will be May 27 and you best believe that I’ll be checking back in on this situation. In the meantime, Drake, if Rihanna mysteriously stops returning your texts (again), I’m here to let you know that this is the reason why.

Images via Getty.