Illustration for article titled Door-to-Door Hamptons Doctor Will Top Off Fillers While Testing for Coronavirus
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A Hamptons doctor is doing his bit to offer comfort in these trying times by going mansion-to-mansion in a hazmat suit swabbing the wealthy for coronavirus before stabbing their faces with syringes full of age-reversing poison.

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For just $750 Dr. Alexander Golberg, whose medical offices are in Manhattan and Brooklyn but who is apparently operating out of his East End Hamptons home, will make housecalls to New Yorker’s shelter-in-place mansions in order to administer a covid-19 nasal swab along with an antibody test. While the swab results take a few days to process, if the antibody test says it’s a go, Dr. Golberg will immediately get down to business right there in tasteful, vaguely maritime-themed beach house living rooms, offering “non-surgical facelift[s], vampire facials, double chin removal and lip enhancement,” according to the New York Post.

And while other doctors call this idea dangerous and ill-advised, as the antibody tests have a false negative rate of around 15 percent and going from beach house to beach house wielding needles is a good way to thoroughly spread a virus, Dr. Goldberg says that these rich people deserve the option to die at home doing what they love—compulsively throwing money at their own vanity?

“Health is the number one concern but people still want to feel good and look good even if they’re home,” Goldberg told the Post. “Just by leaving the house, there’s a risk, so treating patients at home minimizes that.”

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Or maybe it doesn’t, who can say—beyond all the other medical professionals who say this is absolutely a bad idea. But if The Masque of the Red Death taught us anything, it’s that ultra-rich people have earned the right to invite mysterious strangers into their homes during times of contagion.

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