Miss Thailand, Miss Finland, Miss Puerto Rico
Image: AP

Pageants are in general vile tools of the patriarchy, but I can never muster up total disdain for Miss Universe because a major portion of its existence is international pride cosplay in the form of its National Costume Show. Women from all over the world are tasked, in the opening segment, not to flaunt their bods but to translate the way they embody the country they’re repping, which results in a sort of Susanne Bartsch-does-the-Met Gala extravaganza of national characteristics (and stereotypes!). This year the pageant, held in Chon Buri, Thailand, came all the way through as a reminder that while you may think you’re doing the most, you can always take it at least an extra mile.

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Category is: Outfits I wish I had for our underwater-themed holiday party this weekend. I shit you not, I spent two hours earlier this week searching for fiber optic and/or LED dresses this week to actualize my deep sea jellyfish-inspired outfit, and here comes Miss Bolivia wearing a fiber optic fringe like it grows on trees and doesn’t have to be special ordered from a science company in Iceland. Honestly. Miss Brazil is just tryna hide and I respect it; Miss Netherlands does not wish for you to turn away from colonialist histories!

Miss Malta, Miss Spain, Miss South Africa: the drag jumped out, honey.

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Miss Zambia! I’m loving a furry fannypack, very now.

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Miss Japan is doing cosplay as her cosplay, in an incredibly meta commentary on media! Miss Mexico’s emoji shrug stance is underscoring the fabulousness of her ensemble; Miss Uruguay is auditioning for Avatar 7 and already she’s better than James Cameron’s sepetequal.

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I’m really not into the nationalist project or borders in general but I have to say, I’m extremely proud of Miss USA right now because this costume is clearly coming out as a Democratic Socialist! Retweetretweetretweet!

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TFW U DID THE DAMN THING!