Donald Trump Is a Garbage Monster Who Needs to Shut the Fuck Up Forever

By Lindy West  |  April 25, 2013 | 12:20am
CelebritiesDirt Bag

Once upon a time, some idiot dog ate a whole tub of orange frosting and shat out the oiliest, hottest, most vile and rank semi-firm orange turd the world had ever seen. The turd fell into a pile of pubes recently shaved off the ballsack of a racist necromancer, and their lingering scrotal enchantments brought the turd to life and imbued it with the power of speech and a primal hatred of anyone who is not a wealthy orange sociopath. And the turd called itself “Donald.” And then it just fucking talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and FUCKING TALKED. And not a brow on earth would crease for even one instant if some plucky adventurer were to find and destroy all seven of the turd’s devilish horcruxes, causing it to finally crumble into stanky fecal dust, scatter to all the darkest corners of the earth, and plague us no more with its poisonous talking.

Donald Trump tweeted a missive about “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart Wednesday morning, and many have speculated that the tweet contained veiled anti-Semitic sentiment.
The New York real estate mogul’s reference to Stewart’s birth name as ammunition against him fuels only the latest round of accusations that Trump is less than sensitive to matters of race and ethnicity. The New York real estate mogul is no stranger to accusations of racism. He famously demanded that President Obama release his birth certificate to prove he was born in the United States, a stunt that led to widespread denouncement of baseless xenophobia.

(Tip for adventurers: All of the turd’s horcruxes are other turds.) [HuffPo]

Michelle Rodriguez says she’s quitting acting so she can direct stuff.

“The truth is I’m about to say goodbye to acting for a minute and move behind the camera,” said the actress to the magazine. “I got into this business to write. I’ve waited 13 years to actually do it. But like now I’m ready, so that means I have to do the cutoff. I’ll go into the mountains, and bye-bye everybody.”
She also assures she is determined to overcome her troubled past, which represents a day-to-day process for her.
“I had some bad moments. I partied hard. The world knew it. I feel like my growth is a progression,” the artist says. “I go forward, and I’ve had times when I go back. Just last year I had a time where I had a bad stretch. I rebel against everything, including myself.”

Good luck, Michelle Rodriguez! I’m still a little resentful of you because of what a complete dick Ana Lucia was, but I realize that’s irrational, so I wish you the best! [HuffPo]

Here is some information about Adrian Grenier and his position on shoehorns:

What’s your guilty pleasure?
Chocolate every day.
What’s your biggest turn-off?
Small-mindedness.
And what’s your turn-on?
Independence.
What’s on your nightstand?
A lamp, an old phone that doesn’t work — kind of an antique one –- and usually a glass of water. And my cellphone … charging. I actually have a shoehorn on my nightstand. I never use it, but it seemed like a good place to put it at the time and I haven’t moved it in years.

DULY NOTED, GRENIER. I’m calling you up the next time I have trouble sticking my foot into stuff. [HuffPo]

  • Remember Sam Magid, that rich weirdo who accused Lindsay Lohan of stealing his stuff and then later was like, “JK, LYLAS!”? Well, Lorenzo Lamas‘s ex-wife, Shauna Sand, is accusing that guy of sexual battery. [TMZ]
  • The Columbus Zoo named this baby monkey after Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. [HuffPo]
  • Here is JWoww‘s cleavage. [HuffPo]
  • One of Michael Jackson‘s doctors is wanted by U.S. marshals for being a general creepo. [TMZ]
  • Nick Stahl was patted down and detained by police while hanging out on L.A.’s Skid Row. [E!]
  • Without a Trace star Poppy Montgomery had a baby. I don’t know who that is but I thought you guys might be into it. [ContactMusic]
  • Pippa Middleton: existing!!! [JustJared]
  • Here is Carey Mulligan on a stroll with some Mumford or another. [E!]
  • Christina Aguilera is slightly thinner than she has been at other times, I guess. Ready, set, care. [Extra]
  • STRAW POLL TIME. WHO DO YOU SNOOGLE FIRST? Red panda doing the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge, or kitty dressed as a shark chasing a duckling on a Roomba!!?!?!?

 
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