Illustration for article titled Supermodel Giselle Bündchens Husband Has Broken Up With His Teammates
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Fashion model and icon Giselle Bündchen’s relatively less famous husband, Tom Brady, has announced on Instagram he will not return to his football team, the New England Patriots, for the upcoming NFL season—which may or may not take place in the fall. Brady, who most people know from his black-and-white Hulu Super Bowl ad, has been with the Patriots since coach Bill Belichick first rode his dinosaur into training camp.

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Brady has not announced where he will be going next, but many teams have been clamoring for the attention of the 42-year-old quarterback, an age that, in football years, may as well be 82. No doubt Brady owes his perpetual youth to his wife, who is 39 but looks like she’s 24. Fans of the Patriots—the most annoying team in all of the NFL—are angry over the fact that this man, who should really retire, will be leaving them after 20 years of dutiful service and several championships. What a bunch of ingrates. Bündchen has not commented on her husband’s current lack of a job but without his income, which ranges in the hundreds of millions, the couple will have to scale back on absolutely nothing as Bündchen is obscenely rich in her own right.

I wish I could say that I am sad to see the end of this particular Patriots era. But as a fan of a team who has lost quite a few games to Tom fucking Brady, I am more than happy to see him considering a move to a lesser team that will be unable to support him enough to win (most likely) his last Super Bowl ring. Best of luck to the Bündchen-Brady family as they navigate this trying time.

Spurned blogger. Out for vengeance.

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