Dear [Couple Who Displays Lots Of PDA In All Your Facebook Pictures]: I've watched you two grow so much in the time that we've all been Facebook friends.
When you two first became officially In A Relationship with each other, I was excited, but also worried.
Would the initial fire that burned between you two soon flicker away? When your partner goes from new and exciting to familiar and reliable, would you still find each other attractive? Now that you no longer have to chase each other, will you become too content, and begin chasing other people outside the relationship?
No, you insisted. And I believed you.
Two years into your relationship, your Facebook pictures were still charged with sexual tension.
In your "lifeeee" album, you two can hardly keep your mouths off each other. There are six pictures of you facing each other, with your noses touching.
You prepare to kiss.
In the seventh picture, a kiss is achieved.
In four completely different pictures from "lifeee," the male half of you stares lovingly at the female half.
In yet two other pictures, the female half stares lovingly at the male.
In another photograph, the female's facial expression is lustful. She sucks on a lollipop as she stares at her boyfriend. What a dirty girl she must be.
And then, of course, there are dozens of pictures where you both look straight ahead. I cannot see what is happening in the background, because your heads are grossly enlarged from being too close to the camera. But by the smiles on both of your faces, I can tell that you are a happy couple.
How did you two manage to keep the passion alive for so long? I didn't know, and I didn't care.
All I knew was that I desperately wanted to be in that photo album, standing there, sandwiched between the two of you.
Of course, I recognized the cruel irony of the situation. If monogamy truly was bliss, as you made it appear to be, then the two of you would have no use for me.
So I resisted the urge to write "When are we gonna hang out?" on both of your Facebook walls in the morning, and then privately message you both, "wasuuuuuuuuup?," later in the evening.
Instead, I commented "cute!" on all of your couple-y pictures, hoping you would understand my subtle message.
So I watched your love blossom as I remained alone, comforted only by the warmth of my laptop.
My heart raced when you announced that it was your one year anniversary with your "Boo," along with your second year anniversary, and your second, third, fourth, fifth, seventh, and 18 month anniversaries.
The day that I found out you two were going to Disneyland, I was overjoyed. What a romantic Disneyland photo album you posted the next day! I especially loved that picture where you two stood there with your arms around each other.
I interpreted the ride you stood in front of, Splash Mountain, to be a metaphor for the splashing waterfalls of passion you shared in your Disneyland hotel room the previous night.
But of all the Facebook pictures you took of yourselves throughout your relationship, none quite aroused me like the bedroom ones.
Those are the ones where you are literally on a bed. You two lie back and stare up at the camera. The female half of you looks up with a sexy squint and a closed-mouth smirk on her face. The male half of you looks bored, as if to say, "Bitch, can we stop taking pictures and just fuck already?"
I could only imagine the dirty antics you two would participate in after the camera shut off. And imagine I certainly did.
But those fantasies came to a halting stop.
After two years of reading about your respective "Boo(s)" and seeing you two do so many fun things together, I logged on Facebook one day, and was stricken with the horrible news: You are now Single. Both of you.
Just three days earlier, you posted a photo album based entirely on the premise that you went to the beach together. In 36 of those 60 beach pictures, you are either kissing, preparing to kiss, or holding your arms around each other.
What the hell happened in the three days since then?
Your subsequent days as singletons shattered all of the notions I had about life, love, and happiness.
The female half of you is mostly to blame. She went on to post more Facebook photo albums at her same, ridiculously fast rate. Except that now, she was alone in her pictures. And she pretended to enjoy it!
In one picture, she is back at the beach with a forced smile on her face. In another, she makes a kissy face at the camera, to make out with the air. In another, her arm is around a woman who is about 15 pounds overweight.
In the last, most humiliating shot, she is at a bar, and her arm is around a man who looks incredibly confused.
She then edited the quotations on her Facebook information page, to add three quotes by Marilyn Monroe, as if to declare herself a vixen!
After two years of being attached to her male at the lip!
So, I began making plans to seduce the male half of you. He must be so wounded, I thought, to see his former woman now acting like the past two years never happened. I would treat him right.
But then, disaster struck. After a month of separation, you two were In A Relationship, again.
Immediately thereafter, she posted another album of kissing. After kissing all day, you two then went to a party and wore matching costumes. You stood there with your arms around each other, in your costumes. I could tell by your costume pictures that you were just begging me to write "cute!" underneath. But I didn't. I could no longer stand the sight of you two.
Suddenly, all of your couple-y pictures looked insincere and pathetic. I began to question the premise of all the past pictures that I once passively accepted;
Were you really about to make out in your make out pictures, or were you just standing there, with your mouth gaping open, mumbling "Did you take the picture yet?"
If you were really preparing to make love, wouldn't it have killed the mood to stop everything and take some bedroom pictures beforehand? Wouldn't the hot sex have been rewarding enough in and of itself that you wouldn't need to hint at it with a series of Facebook pictures?
And, most importantly, who the hell was that third person who got suckered into photographing you two make out all day?
A Stalker Who No Longer Wants To Be In A Threesome With You