Dear Craigslist Users Attempting To Send Me Missed Connections

First of all: I wasn’t reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. Or Time Out. I don’t even own an iPod. I also wasn’t wearing a red plaid dress. Or a Northface backpack. No, I didn’t take the seat you offered me because you didn’t offer me a seat. We also didn’t exchange a look as you left the train. And while we’re at it, I don’t have short hair, or an “Eloise” tattoo on my upper arm. I’m also not Asian. In fact, I fail to see how you expect me to contact you when your descriptions are so highly inaccurate. Did I mention I’m not a man? Because I’m not. I’m also not named “Sheila” and we didn’t hook up in the Ramble last night.

I wasn’t on the L train. In fact, I wasn’t on the subway at all. I didn’t wait on you at Starbucks; I don’t even work at Starbucks! I also wasn’t sitting next to you at the outdoor modern dance show, because how do you expect me to do that? Obviously, I had to be in my apartment, on my computer, checking the Missed Connections and sighing – again! – over your incompetence. I mean, is it that hard to give a two-line description of the person who might be your soul-mate? Whatever, I’ll forgive you – again. I mean, this shit would not fly in the real world, but I get it: you’re blinded by infatuation. As I wrote you yesterday, you’re really going to need to shape up if this is going to happen between us. Because I can’t spend my days responding to these inaccurate ads forever. And quite frankly, your obsession with me is getting creepy.

Image via Missed Connections blog.