Darrell Hammond Shares Tales Of Drug Abuse, Cutting, Leaving SNL In A Straight Jacket

Darrell Hammond has come up with an interesting strategy for keeping himself out of the tabloids: Write a memoir detailing every sad and sordid thing that’s ever happened to you. It’s a lot like when stars sell the first photos of their babies to get a jump on the paparazzi, only with more cocaine, disturbing tales of childhood abuse, and run-ins with Bill Clinton. In God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F—-ed: Tales of Stand-Up, ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and Other Mind-Altering Mayhem, Hammond reveals that his mother was horrifically violent toward him as a child, and he started to impressions of people in the neighborhood to distract her from hurting him. As an adult he turned to cocaine, crack, and alcohol to deal with the trauma, and once got so drunk that he missed an appearance at Bill Clinton’s second inauguration and woke up incoherent in the airport. Another time he cut himself badly while working at SNL and a paramedic put him in a straight jacket. One thing you won’t find in the book is criticism of SNL alums. “I don’t have anything bad to say about anyone there,” he said. “They all really went above and beyond the call for me.” [The Wrap, NYP]

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Though Michael Lohan announced just last week that Lindsay Lohan is doing crack and/or meth, now he says she’s, “opening her eyes and starting to take control of her life” … according to what he reads online. [Radar]

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Apparently every episode of Courtney Stodden‘s upcoming reality show will focus on her getting kicked out of places for being too sexy. But seriously, how was Stodden to know that pumpkin patches expect patrons to show less than three inches of butt cheek? Later Stodden shared the Bible’s stance on Daisy Duke-clad teens via Twitter: “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment. John 7:24” [Radar]

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Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were photographed doing it Canadian style (they engaged in some tame kissing while wearing hockey jerseys). [IDLYITW]

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• That dude from Journey introduced Michaele Salahi to his family. They’re smiling, so it seems they aren’t Real Housewives fans … and don’t own a TV. [TMZ]
• Katy Perry wore a boring gray sweatshirt while visiting Occupy Wall Street today, despite the 99%’s well-known, if misguided, love of whipped cream-spewing bras. [RS]
• Kelly Bensimon said something nice about Guiliana Rancic, but who really cares? The big news here is that for some reason Kelly has a line of ballet flats. [E!]
• If you want to see what life is like for tabloid editors, look at this photo of Jessica Simpson and try to resist the urge to add the word “Bump?!” with a giant yellow arrow pointing to her belly. [TMZ]
• Scarlett Johansson now has black hair. Adjust accordingly. [PopSugar]
• If you still care about Finn and Rachel and don’t want to read Glee spoilers, stop reading. Okay, now that we’ve gotten rid of no one, Lea Michele has revealed that her character loses her virginity to Finn in front of a fireplace in an upcoming episode. “He was sweating so much,” says Lea. “I was so grossed out!” [E!]