Daddy Is Scaring the Trump Kids

Illustration for article titled Daddy Is Scaring the Trump Kids
Image: Jim Watson (Getty Images)

According to sources close to the family, the Trump children are passing the hours of their father’s covid in the same way I assume they passed much of their childhoods, staring in wide-eyed horror at one another as their shitty dad endangers the entire family’s livelihood with a titty-baby tantrum, playing a silent game of “Not It” to see who among them will attempt to placate daddy this time.


Vanity Fair is reporting that for this particular meltdown, it’s most likely Donald Trump Jr. who has drawn the short straw, as it would seem Junior is the only Trump kid who will openly admit that there’s anything unusual about the president’s dangerous, ill-advised covid-spreading joyride or barrage of late-night, all-caps tweets:

“According to sources, Don Jr. has told friends that he tried lobbying Ivanka Trump, Eric Trump, and Jared Kushner to convince the president that he needs to stop acting unstable. “Don Jr. has said he wants to stage an intervention, but Jared and Ivanka keep telling Trump how great he’s doing,” a source said. Don Jr. is said to be reluctant to confront his father alone. “Don said, ‘I’m not going to be the only one to tell him he’s acting crazy,’” the source added.”

“Pretending Nothing’s Wrong With Daddy” seems to be a time-honored Trump tradition, passed down through generations like a secret family recipe. Vanity Fair also reports that when Fred Trump Sr. was stricken with Alzheimer’s in the 1990s the family let him pretend for years to still be in charge of the Trump family business by giving him a handful of blank papers to shuffle around in his office. That story would be touching if Trump Sr. hadn’t also allegedly been a racist, abusive monster so prolific in dicking over New York City renters that Woody Guthrie called him out in verse. However, perhaps if Don Jr. could revive the old family tradition and send a hazmat-suited Barron into Trump’s hospital room with a file folder full of construction paper and a fountain pen, it would buy the country a few more hours to figure out what the fuck to do about our currently living, incapacitated-but-delusional Trump father.



I’m honestly disappointed that none of the adult kids or their partners have tested positive. Jared doesn’t have enough meat on his bones or blood in his body to survive the flu, let alone coronavirus.

Also WHERE is Stephen Miller’s ‘rona diagnosis??