Ladies, are you looking for a place to crash in Los Angeles? A man with some pretty specific thoughts about how you could fit into his life has an exciting opportunity for you.
Posted in the Rooms/Shares section of the housing ads on Craigslist Los Angeles is this very, very, VERY specific ad detailing what every waking moment of your life would be like if you decide to move in with him. Of course we know this could very well be fake (so many of these are lately) but damn if this isn't an elaborate piece of work just for a fake post joke.
Behold, "Seeking GF, Musician & Work Partner to share space (Los Feliz):
Here is what a great day looks like for me. If you agree, reach out. If you don't, just move on. That simple.
* We wake up and cuddle, talk, make love, be affectionate.
* I cook you breakfast (I'm a damn good cook) or you cook me breakfast or we take turns.
* We talk about God and our spiritual lives; our questions, concerns, hopes, fears, etc.
* We read Scripture and Pray together. Yes, I am a Christian. An intelligent, mature Christian, unlike the BS you often see on TV. I'm non-denominational and quite frankly, can't stand most churches or most American Christians. I go to a church sometimes, but the majority of my spiritual life is concerned with the "inner" life as opposed to the "outer" life.
* We work together in the office, putting light into the world. I have a number of businesses; recording music in my pro home studio, music management, an educational blog - and I do freelance business development for other clients. For 5 years, my ex-gf worked with me (notice I said WITH ME and not "for me"). She loved her job, made good money at it and we both loved the experience. I know how to run a fair and equitable office that separates work and pleasure. I'm a great boss that give rewards, but I also know when to draw the line and I don't accept slacking.
* If you have another part-time job or projects of your own, you work the other half a day on these. If you need my help, just call and I'll happily help. I have launched three ex-gf's careers and I'm good at it.
* We exercise or do some manual labor. Anything to get out of the office, off our butts and out of our heads. Yoga, walking, cycling, rollerblading, hiking, mountain climbing, whatever.
* We help someone in need. Often I visit the homeless in my 'hood and give them what they need; toothpaste, socks, food, etc. I believe we are required to do this, and I enjoy it. You should too.
* We stay up late talking, having a snack, cuddling.
* We take vacations to explore other parts of the country and world. I am gearing my business to make it a regular part of my life soon and am interested in relocating out of the US; you are too.
If a day has most of this in it, it's a great day for me.
You feel much the same way.
First of all, dude wants a robot. Not an actual human being. Secondly, HOLY SHIT. You have to spend every minute of your day working out, having snacks, do Yoga, reading the Bible, praying or whatever the hell else this dude wants you to do to keep him company. It's cool if you have your own career because he is willing to jump in and take over that part of your life as well. But remember, his ex-girlfriend really like this whole arrangement! That's why she got the fuck out of that relationship, because it was just so, so rewarding for her and not at all smothering or anything.
There's more. In order to be worthy enough to do exactly what this guy dictates you do each and every day you have to be the exact specific kind of person he is looking for:
Since I've run into so many crazies here, let me be even more specific:
Uh-huh. They're the "crazies". Sure. OK.
Here are all the qualities you must possess in order to be this guys Stepford Girlfriend:
* You are intelligent and articulate. You can reason, converse, critically think and understand the difference between there, their and they're.
* No drugs or alcohol problems (ie getting routinely shitfaced is an alcohol problem), no pot / 420 or ANY drugs.
* Holistic. Organic. Healthy. As in you CARE about what you do to your body.
* No kids
* No pets
* You travel light. My place is small and furnished. You've got room for suitcases, that's about it.
* I'm not a big fan of tattoos or body modifications. A little I can tolerate, a lot, nah.
* You are OVER your last boyfriend. My last date cried for a half hour over her ex. Thanks girl; glad to know I was of help.
Something tells me the reason a girl on a date with this guy was bawling her eyes out had nothing to do with her ex. But if there is anything that probably would send you into a convulsive fit mourning an ex, it's definitely a date with this man.
* No narcissists. What is a narcissist? An actress! Seriously; you know who you are & stay away.
* No material girls. I've had lots of money, I've had little money. Either way, I spend it on things that create and move the world around me in positive ways. I don't care for fancy cars, big houses and trappings.
* You LOVE classic jazz, soul and R&B. What do I mean by "classic"? Pre-80s. I make "modern" music but it is definitely informed by the classic stuff. If you don't dig it, we've got problems.
* No flakes or people who can't keep their word. If you are constantly breaking plans, stay away.
* You are not tied to a particular job or place. Finding a great relationship is #1 with you and you are prepared to follow your man.
* You have an open heart towards God and fellow human beings. You are nurturing. Nurturing is rare in Hollywood.
* You believe in God. I can't do atheists or agnostics anymore, and I'd prefer a Christian or Jew, tell the truth.
OMG he just cannot with the agnostics and atheists anymore. They are just so insufferable, don't you know.
* You laugh at sarcasm. Woody Allen, George Carlin, Louis CK. I am all of them, bound together in one.
Don't even try to find anything else funny. If he catches you laughing at an episode of Modern Family, you'll be out on your goddamn ass. (Plus—A Woody Allen fan. Of course.)
* You are D/D free. Obviously, right? Who the hell wants a contagious disease?
* You are at least 5' 6" and fit. I don't mean perfect, I mean healthy. Healthy is not anorexic and it's not fat.
It should come as absolutely no surprise to you that he insists on a non-fat lady. Of course.
So just what do you get out this cult-like arrangement with Mr. Bossypants?
I am 6' tall, slim, fit, youthful and energetic. I'm in my 40's but run circles around my 20-somethings friends who think I'm too intense. (Fuck 'em, old geezers!). I believe youth is in the Spirit and taking care of the body. I love being tactile (touching, cuddling) but I'm not clingy and know the difference. I've also always been oversexed and know what I'm doing in the bedroom. I am a romantic, but I also have a kinky edge and have experience in dominant play (D/s). I am a good masseuse and like to practice on my loved ones, (lucky you) and I love giving surprise gifts, flowers, etc.
I've been told by women that I break the mold of male stereotypes.
However, while I am giving, I can also be demanding.
Biggest understatement ever uttered in all the galaxy. So where do you get to live for all of this?
I have a cute, free-standing cottage about the size of a matchbook (replete with pro recording studio). I have a fully-furnished bedroom in it which you will NOT be sleeping in most of the time, but you can store your belongings in there.
So for all of that you get to crash in a tiny house without so much as your own bedroom. Your overlord may allow you to place some possessions in it, if you must trouble him with such things.
But don't be put off just yet! Don't you know, this man is looking for his muse?
WHERE IS MY MUSE? Where is the girl with the pure heart and beautiful smile that I can sing and play to in my recording studio?
Where is the girl who can give me her encouragement, ears, heart and soul?
If she gives this to me, I will do whatever it takes to curl her toes creatively, spiritually, intellectually and sexually.
I want an honest partnership that will bring some LIGHT into the world, because we sure need it.
And they say love is dead! Not on Craigslist, I promise you.
Screencap via Craigslist.