CPAC Is a Fucking Mess, As Usual

Illustration for article titled CPAC Is a Fucking Mess, As Usual
Screenshot: CPAC

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!


Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:

  • CPAC 2019 kicked off today, and the nation’s most obnoxious conservatives got together to do what they do best: Psych each other out about imminent socialist takeover. Today’s highlights include: Rep. Mark Meadows and former Trump advisor Sebastian Gorka claiming the Dems will ban hamburgers (just as Stalin intended); MyPillow founder saying that President Trump is the “greatest president”; CNN’s Van Jones sucking up to right wingers; and Diamond and Silk offered enough mmhmmm’s to convince the very white audience that they really do have black friends. But nothing can beat right-wing conspiracy theorist Jacob Wohl giving a presser outside of the convention, claiming that Rep. Ilhan Omar married her brother. Normal guy! Shouts to his security detail:
Advertisement
  • President Trump is convinced that Kim Jong Un was unaware of the condition of American college student Otto Warmbier prior to his death in 2017. Warmbier fell into a coma while in North Korean custody and died after he was flown back to the United States. “I don’t believe he would have allowed that to happen,” said Trump. Aight! [Washington Post]
  • Sen. Cory Booker doesn’t know what liquor goes in a margarita, effectively losing my vote!!!
  • Former Maine Governor Paul LePage said the quiet part loud today when he said that getting rid of the electoral college would silence white people. [Huffington Post]
  • The House passed two gun control bills in two days! [Think Progress]
  • Rumor has it that Beto O’Rourke plans to announce that he’s running for president in 2020. [Dallas News]
  • A woman might be deported after knocking a MAGA hat off someone’s head at a Mexican restaurant. [Washington Post]
  • Good news: A Medicaid work requirement bill died in the West Virginia House. Bye bitch! [Ledger-Enquirer]

Here are some tweets the president was allowed to publish:

Advertisement

This has been Barf Bag.

Staff writer, mint chocolate hater.

DISCUSSION

brmatray13
Staley's Optometrist

Not to mention Ashley, that Joe Biden referred to Mike Pence as “a decent guy...”

MIKE “NUKE THE GAYS” PENCE:

*Groan.