Couch-Sex Is Hazardous, Says Survey • Security Scanner Reveals Small Penis, Starts A Fight

• According to a recent survey, nearly a fifth of all adults have hurt themselves while getting it on. Most report pulled muscles and cricked necks, but 5% of sex-injuries are so bad they have to call into work.

While most people manage to stay pretty safe while boning, 50% of adults admit to breaking something in the act. Furthermore, they found that the sofa is the most dangerous place for loving, followed by the stairs. • According to a recent study, Alaskan native and Native American women are more than twice as likely to lose their virginity to rape than the general population. In attempts to get more accurate results the Urban Indian Health Institute in Seattle did not use the term “rape,” but rather asked if women had been forced into “non-voluntary sex” and allowed them space to describe their experience, which often involved coercion in the form of alcohol, threats, or drugs. • The Connecticut woman who lost much of her face and both her hands in a chimpanzee attack has been discharged from the Cleveland Clinic and will continue the recovery process from home. Charla Nash has flown back to an undisclosed location on the East Coast to stay with family members. An attorney for the Nash family says they are trying to preserve her privacy, but they wanted to let the public know she is doing well. • After seeing her mother, Pam Fry, return from a visit to the doctors with brand new breasts and a flattened tummy, Tami Fry, 31, decided to go under the knife as well. “When I saw how beautiful my mom looked, I said ‘That’s it. I’m doing it,'” she recalls. Surgeons say the Frys represent a new trend in plastics, deemed “cosmetic duets.” • The head of Human Resources at a water park in Washington has been arrested on charges of making nearly 1,500 obscene phone calls to women in Washington, California, Florida, Maryland and Canada. Daniel Leonard allegedly used a website that allows users to disguise their voices and change the number shown on caller ID for incoming calls. The calls were extremely graphic and included threatening language. • Scientific American reports on an interesting theory as to why women like men with tattoos. Apparently, tattoos indicate a man “can afford such risky behavior.” We look at men like Jesse James and think (unconsciously, I must assume) now there is a man who can survive an injury, imagine what he can do for my offspring! • The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has given their approval to Natazia, a new type of oral contraceptive. Natazia is one of the first “four-phasic” pills available in America. • Women’s rights activists have called on tourists to boycott Cancun because local authorities have failed an 11-year-old rape victim by refusing to inform her of a new law allowing abortions in the case of rape. The child is reportedly carrying the baby to term, and will most likely undergo a c-section. • Scientists are currently working on a contraceptive medication for men. Some prototypes include a birth control pill similar to the ones taken by women, but another option is a medicated topical gel. Click here to see a video about the pill’s 50th B-Day and a brief clip of a man rubbing clear lotion on his arm. • According to the New York State tax appeals court, pole dancing is not an art form. They argue that because the dance does not require choreography, like ballet, it is not exempt from tax. Private performers from the Nite Moves Gentlemen’s Club are pissed at the ruling, and argue that they should be given the same tax breaks as any other dancer. • Yesterday Kansas Senator Mary Pilcher Cook proposed taxing abortion as an alternative revenue raiser. She noted that “if you want less of something, you tax it.” Fortunately, the amendment failed 17-22. • A senior Saudi Cleric reportedly spent “hours” eating and talking with women during an International Women’s Day conference in Kuwait last month. Ultraconservative cleric Sheikh Al-Najaimi defended his actions, which were against gender segregation laws, by claiming that the women he was dining with were “post-menopausal whether [they] admit it or not.” The bizarre controversy (dubbed “Menopausegate”) comes in the wake of King Abdullah’s opening of the University of Science and Technology, where men and women are free to study together without restriction. • A 44-year-old man working for the Miami International Airport was participating in a training session with a new “whole body image” scanner when one of his co-workers noted his penis size and proceeded to mock him for it. Rolando Negrin claims he was made fun of on daily basis about his genitals, which eventually lead him to snap and beat the crap out of a fellow TSA screener in the employee parking lot. Can’t say we blame him. • The mothers of the three American “hikers” jailed in Iran have issued a plea just in time for mother’s day: Give us our children back, they ask President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “At this point, what we want is our kids to be released immediately. We want action on this,” Nora Shourd said. “These are our children, and there’s nothing quite as anguishing as thinking about your kids in prison in a country so far away and being unable to help them.” • Can’t stomach the thought of cooking your placenta into a lasagna or sloppy-joe-type dish? There is another option: placenta pills. But a certified nurse midwife points out that there is “no scientific evidence to support placenta ingestion for mood” and if the mother is already well-nourished, there is really no point in taking the capsules. •