Cosmo: Rules (And Balls) Are Made To Be Broken

Have you and your man ever enjoyed a vegetarian meal or shopped together? According to Cosmo, you might as well cut off his balls. The only way to save your relationship: Dunk his testicles in sparkling water.

It’s no secret that Cosmo recycles sex and relationship advice, but the editors must have dug really deep into the archives for “Are You Turning Your Boyfriend Into A Girlie Man?” The article warns that even if your significant other says he’s interested in watching Project Runway or occasionally eating a salad rather than a slab of meat, he’s being emasculated, and it’s ruining your relationship. Cosmo‘s editors have decided that women are only allowed to have boyfriends or female friends, and their roles are very clearly defined:

There’s a major difference between the type of close relationship you should have with a girl and the one you should have with your guy (besides the sex).

With your girls, you bond over everyday things, such as clothes, movies, and hobbies. With your guy, those don’t matter so much.

If you and your guy bonded over your love of sci-fi films and Middle Eastern food (or you happen to be a lesbian) your assignment is to go rewatch Mad Men for some tips on how women and men should behave in relationships. Or you could try out the mag’s “Manly Date Ideas,” including “have him teach you how to play his favorite video game,” “cook a steak dinner together,” and “go to a semipro football game.” Of course all ladies hate video games, steak, and sports, but it’s worth it to save your relationship.

Obviously, it’s also important to make sure you’re pleasing your man in the bedroom. Apparently guys love it when you manhandle them, so try holding sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral, kneading his testicles after he orgasms, or pinching his nipples. (Don’t forget, all men hate thongs now, so adjust your underwear drawer accordingly.) And if all else fails, you can “have sex in an empty bathtub,” or “have him place a finger inside you, and put one of yours in too. Doing it together feels totally erotic.”