Cosmo Has Your Man All Figured Out, Ladies

By Hortense Smith | July 25, 2010 | 11:00pm

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Ladies, here’s the deal: every single thing your partner does has a hidden message. I know this to be true, because I’ve just spent a good 5 minutes browsing Cosmopolitan’s recent articles on decoding your man’s body language.

Because you should always feel insecure about the status of your relationship, or at least insecure enough to continue buying certain magazines that promise to help you trap and/or keep a man (just like bugs in a jar! Romance!) by participating in asinine rituals like wrapping your underpants in your hair or saying subtle things like, “Ooh! I see you went to the gym today. I’d also like to give your muscles a workout, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Cosmo said you’d get it. It’s innuendo. It’s right here on page 97, in between the article about how men only love girls who are fresh faced and natural and the article on how guys love it when you apply 17 layers of foundation and 8 pounds of lipstick in order to be sexy,” Cosmo constantly comes out with articles that claim to “decode” the body language of men, letting you know that every single move he makes is, in some way, directly related to his feelings about you.

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Today’s Cosmo decoding piece aims to let women know what their men are really thinking, based on the way their hold their beers. Bono was wrong, ladies. It is not alright when your man moves in mysterious ways. Thankfully, Cosmo is here to drop truth bombs like this one:

If he grips his long-neck loosely…
Lightly encircling the top of his beer bottle with his thumb and index finger reveals that he’s confident. Not only does the relaxed gesture indicate he feels in control of the situation, but it’s also a bit of cocky posturing – it gives off the vibe that he’s too cool to be concerned with the risk of dropping his beer.

Look at Danny Zuko over here, too cool to worry about dropping his beer! That’s totally what’s going on. Your dude is standing there, holding on to the neck of his beer and thinking, “Look at me. I’m James fucking Dean, all up on his beer neck and not even giving a fuck if I drop it and look like an idiot in front of everyone. I am too cool for school.” That is so accurate. Where is the Nobel Prize for Beer Decoding, and why hasn’t it been presented yet?

If he puts his bottle by his chest…
That beverage is like a wall he’s putting up. If you notice he’s holding it in front of his body, he’s feeling too guarded for you to ask him a ton of questions or bring up a serious conversation. Stick to superficial topics – movies, sports, etc. – until he lowers his drink and loosens up.

In other words, it’s always a good idea to wait until someone is drunk before you spring the serious convo on them. Just blah blah blah about movies until dude-bro is relaxed, and then hit him with the “Why don’t you love me, Thomas?! WHY!?!?” conversation. That will win him over for sure. No drama there. A fine plan for an excellent evening out.

Cosmo also wants you to know about your partner’s hands: for instance, if he or she is making an okay sign while talking to you, which is a totally natural hand movement, yeah?, it means that they are, in fact, okay. Happy even! And if they flip you the bird without realizing it, it means they probably want to be flipping you the bird anyway, so you’re pretty fucking screwed. But you knew that anyway, right? It’s why you’re looking through articles like this, desperate to confirm fears that you’ve probably already had for a long time. Or maybe not! Maybe you’re just really into the secret meaning behind someone flipping you off right to your face.

Anyway, because I’m such a believer in analyzing every single physical move someone makes in order to continue questioning a relationship that might already been on shaky ground due to serious trust issues or a general lack of self-esteem and openness, I decided to share a few decoding secrets of my own:

1. When He Sneezes: He is possessed by demons and is expelling them across your household. HOT! Is the mucus yellow or green? If yellow: catch a fellow. If green: flee the scene. If there is no mucus, it might be time to have a talk about where this relationship is heading.

2. He Is Rubbing His Eye: This is his way of intercepting messages from the planet Zorgothrax on their way to Jupiter. Try to impress him by learning Zorgothraxian and then talking dirty with it in the bathroom. Here’s a primer: “You’re so hot!”=”11ZZGRRZGYZ17.” Sexxxy!

3. He Scratches His Head: He’s cheating on you. Please turn to page 118 for a list of products that will surely recapture his attention.

4. He Picks His Ears: He’s just trying to open up the lines of communication. He’s listening, and doesn’t want any wax to stand in his way. However, should you catch him putting wax back INTO his ears, it might be time to break it off.

5. He Puts A Spoon In The Dishwasher: You’re pregnant.

So there you have it! Now go out there and solve as many mysteries as you can, ladies. If you don’t decode the signs, surely another savvy lady with ear-picking knowledge will.

Decode How He Holds His Drink [Cosmopolitan]

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