Cosmo: Buy Your Boyfriend Lucky Underwear, And Other Bad Romance Tips

It seems this month Cosmo‘s editors were on a mission to out-weird Lady Gaga by forcing her into a matronly girdle and beige bra and coming up with even more freakish relationship tips than usual.

Of course, this is a challenge when you aren’t even allowed to print the words “oral sex” on the cover. Plus, Gaga refuses to play Cosmo‘s game, offering pithy comments like, “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams,” rather than tips on pleasing your man.

To make up for her dearth of bizarre declarations, the editors have some psychotic romance recommendations. For instance, we’re instructed to “ambush him” with oral sex the second he walks in the door, to steal all his clothing while he’s in the shower, and to “buy him some lucky underwear for the big work meeting he’s stressing over.” These tips are filed under “Fun, Easy Ways to Fall More In Love,” but they seem more like frightening ways to make him take out a restraining order.

But don’t worry — if you do freak your man out, you can always placate him with food and/or sex. There’s an entire article on why women should cook more for men, and we’re told to, “Without asking, swap his empty beer for a fresh one when he’s watching the game.” You must never say, “Hey, want a beer?” because verbal communication with males is to be avoided at all costs. All men are unfeeling robots who run on sex, so if your boyfriend has a bad day at work, don’t pester him with your stupid questions about his thoughts and feelings, just,

Slide your hand down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he’s had a hellish day. In those moments, he really doesn’t want to answer questions like “Are you okay?” or “What’s wrong?” …but your caress still sends the message that you’re picking up his vibe.