Illustration for article titled Coronavirus Porn Is Almost Appealing
Image: Pornhub

In the worst-case scenarios played out by the ceaseless, sputtering filmstrip of an anxiety-addled brain, the first freedom to disappear under a global pandemic will be bodily autonomy. Self-isolation will strand millions of people in their own homes, eating lentils and gazing out dirty windows at streets that used to brim with life. The fear of quarantine for some is about how they will make a living; for others, the more pedestrian worry is boredom. Thank god for porn, even if it is porn related to the coronavirus.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, the pandemic-related offerings currently on Pornhub are pretty run-of-the-mill—a few people engaging in exaggerated sex while wearing face masks, some relatively uninspired doctor fantasy stuff. One video, explicitly labeled “CORONAVIRUS PORN,” features two individuals in Hazmat suits, simulating acrobatic and vigorous sex, fogging up the plastic. But two videos produced by LittleSquirtles.com merge PSAs and fucking in a way that is almost appealing.

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The first in this brief series, “COVID-19 Coronavirus: Horny Slut Has To Use Protection During OutBreak!,” features a faux-sulky, purple-haired woman who has come home to roost. “Daddy, I’m home,” she says. “I’m so horny.” Regardless of this declaration, before she gets the dick, she must hear a brief PSA about the virus from a long-haired gentleman who is outfitted in a face mask and cautioning against contact. “It’s not just a flu and that mask isn’t even protecting you,” he says of the doctor’s mask his young charge has in her car. “It might protect other people from getting the virus if you’re infected. But the only way to protect yourself is to have a good mask—N95-rated and higher.” While there is no real reason for this unidentified man to be wearing the mask himself unless he has the coronavirus or is treating someone with it, I will allow it just this once for the fantasy of it all. “We have to be safe, we have to be protected,” he says. “This is way more than just a common flu.”

“But Daddy, I don’t have time for that,” his charge protests. “My pussy’s so wet. I wanna get dicked down now.” Relatable! What follows is an uninspired round of fucking, with “protection”—not a condom, but an N95 mask, which impedes the proceedings somewhat, but that is no matter. According to Vice, the man in question is Chase Poundher, and the video he produced was intended to be a PSA as well as actual porn—a helpful service in times when misinformation runs rampant and every single person you speak to finds it necessary to unfurl a scroll of their anxieties instead of simply saying hello.

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In this series’ riveting second installment, “COVID-19 CORONAVIRUS PT2: HORNY SLUT GETS LECTURE ON CURRENT STATUS OF USA,” the same purple-haired woman demands sex from Daddy while enduring a lecture about best practices for avoiding the virus. “We should all be voluntarily self-quarantining right now,” lectures the man, sitting in the open kitchen of a Las Vegas model home. However, his charge has already undressed herself, and so they troop off to the bedroom for a round of uninspired fucking. But “HORNY SLUT GETS LECTURE does not appear to quite follow the first video, chronologically. Why is the man wearing a mask in the first video but not in the second? Does either one of the people involved have coronavirus? If so, why has his recalcitrant friend been allowed to fuck off to the mall wearing pum pum shorts and a scarf tied around her titties? Irrelevant questions: If a viewer were to watch these in succession, they would obtain some semblance of useful information before getting off.

Nothing about these videos is particularly arousing to me, but for others, sure, why not? If social distancing is the new normal and people on Tinder are worried about whether or not to touch a pool stick at a bar on a first date, then porn that includes some element of public service outside of pleasure is fine by me. Get your information however you need to, even if it is via some garden-variety fucking in an air-conditioned model home in the Nevada desert.

Managing Editor, Jezebel

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