This winter, when the thought of putting on the same tired pant-and-sweater combo makes you want to tear out your hair and scream until your throat is raw, why not take a page from the sartorial stylings of our nation’s finest athletes?
Speed skaters participate in a sport that, at first glance, is equal parts dangerous and exhilarating—much like this silly little folly we call life. From my very rudimentary understanding, speed skaters assume a position that, if they were standing erect, would be perfect for strolling through a park on a summer’s day: arms behind the back, torso parallel to the ice, and legs pumping furiously like little pistons beneath them.
Their outfits—uniforms?— are manufactured expressly to be aerodynamic. Speed in speed skating is crucial. Unlike swimmers, who can compete basically naked, speed skaters have to wear clothing; also it’s cold in an ice rink and I bet nipples create drag. Hence the catsuit: a full-body lycra catsuit situation with a very chic hood that makes one look a little bit like a cartoon sperm.
This unitard is engineered to keep the wearer both warm and cool; it’s also the maximalist’s answer to the bike short. Fuck a shapewear short—just throw your entire body into a slimming, smoothing, shaping piece of performance wear and hit the streets. Winter is a drag because of the accessories required to stay warm. A scarf, a hat, some gloves, another scarf, long underwear, socks, more boots, a muff. Imagine how wonderful your life would be if you could slip your little bod into an outfit meant for athletes and go about your merry way! Pull the hood over your head, grab your tote bag, and hit the road.
Think of the money you’ll save. Think of the time. Speed skating cat suits for winter—a look, a mood, a lifestyle. Consider it. Think about it. Thank you!