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Jennifer freaking Lawrence, Katniss of Everdeen, ex-girlfriend of Darren Aronofsky, third highest paid actress in Hollywood, is reportedly dating someone named “Cooke Maroney.” Coincidentally, I could’ve sworn I went to college with a “Cooke Maroney,” and that he was known for pooing on our dorm hallway floor and for being the nephew of the founder of a sneaker brand that rhymes with “spikey.”*

Here is what we know about the new boo, Cork Maloney:

  • He is director of the Gladstone 64, a very nice looking gallery.
  • He is 33.
  • He was introduced to Lawrence by her friend Laura Simpson. “The relationship has been going on a few weeks,” according to a Page Six source.
  • He has an appealing, dirtbaggy hotness that screams, “Oh, were you waiting in line?”
  • Once, in an interview with Artsy, he said, “In the art world, the way information is shared is rapidly changing. A growing group of internet-savvy collectors are searching for art online with galleries eager to provide it.”
  • Once, he stood next to this yellow sculpurette with Gagosian Gallery head Adam Cohen.
  • I share one (1) mutual friend with him on Facebook.
  • He (or another Crock McHenry) received a “special thanks” in Grand Theft Auto V.

So mazel to you, Crack McHaha, and mazel to you, Jennifer Lawrence. I honestly think you guys will have fun and seem nice, if rich.

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*I made this up.