On Monday night, two Jezebel staffers with varying degrees of encyclopedic knowledge about the modern Bachelor universe watched the second episode of Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor. The wine was poured, and the virgin jokes were flowing. This is their story.
Maria: I attempted to count all the “virgin” mentions in Monday night’s episode but lost track when Colton started “telling his story” of the time some dude in an NFL locker room asked him how many women he’s slept with, and he said “zero,” mostly because he didn’t know what number would constitute a respectable lie. I can honestly say no friend has ever asked me how many people I’ve bedded, but I guess I’ve never befriended an athlete. It also seems like I would’ve had more success had I counted every time Colton called a woman “confident.” He was really tryna be some kind of feminist hero last night. I blacked out when Heather, the liar, told Colton she was not only a virgin, she had never been kissed and he responded with “You have self-worth.”
Lisa: I know Colton said after the premiere that the virginity storyline would stop being so played out, but I think we have to accept that Colton, like Never Been Kissed Heather, is a liar. Perhaps they’re perfect for each other.
The episode opened with Colton doing a selfie-style video from his bed, which is probably the franchise’s way of preparing to pivot to YouTube if it ever finally gets canceled by ABC. I’d like to say I’ll stop tuning in once The Bachelor is reduced to a vlog, but who am I kidding.
I certainly will keep watching if they have the same kind of guest stars as yesterday. When iconic power couple Megan Mullally and Nick Offermann (sporting a haircut I can only assume is inspired by the Instagram egg) came on screen, I screamed. They don’t belong here, but also I need them to come back every week. Mom and dad ran a group date where the women had to talk about significant firsts (wink, wink), what did you think of their stories?
Maria: Megan and Nick were great, wholly out of place, and I can only assume, compensated handsomely. I thought the ladies’ stories were pretty decent—ranging on genuinely funny to overwhelmingly sentimental (I only think Colton prefer the latter genre, he almost lost it when Hannah G. used the line, “You gave me the most meaningful rose I’ve ever received,” which is a subtle brag at anyone who has never received roses. Me.) Tracy’s story about getting punched in the face and then fucking a recently un-virginized dude in college was funny, and Elyse’s thing about Alaskan cougars was good, too. I respect Demi for jumping off stage and kissing Colton, though he seemed uncomfortable the entire time and later played it off as though she was just expressing her “confidence.”
I’m dying to hear your thoughts on 23-year-old Demi from Dallas steamrolling over Catherine as this week’s villain.
Lisa: Demi’s kiss was a power move and I respect it. Hotdogger has game and seemingly no shame.
I feel like Demi’s villainous tactics are going to get so boring, since she’s coming on so strong from the jump. She’s extremely hung up on everyone’s age, calling Elyse “brave” when she admitted to being in her 30s and constantly picking on the (barely) older women in the house. (Although, when I heard that anyone over 27 lives in a room called the “cougar den,” I got an idea for the Bachelor spinoff I actually want to see. Someone get Courtney Cox on the phone.)
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