Everyone knows Ruth Bader Ginsburg is the best Supreme Court justice, but which one is King Shit of Poop Mountain? The competition is pretty fierce. We all know Justice Alito is a dick (don’t nobody step to RBG on my watch, dog). Scalia is an immortal, squealing pig-demon who feels naught but agony. Chief Justice Roberts literally thinks racism is over because Obama. This is quite the crew of despicable, cloven-hooved man-beasts, all of whom are in possession of more power than us unclean riff raff could ever possibly comprehend.
But there’s one man who is all too easy to overlook. Justice Clarence Thomas, a quiet man who oft lingers in the shadows, using his silence to obfuscate his true evil. No one is safe when Thomas emerges to wreak his terror upon us all. Congratulations, Justice Thomas. You are the absolute worst.
Here now, a non-exhaustive list of the awfulness Justice Thomas hath wrought.
1. He is a racist, somehow
Imagine the mental gymnastics required to be a racist black person! And yet Justice Thomas has achieved this feat with impressive aplomb. Thomas goes out of his way to make life more difficult for black people. Hey, are you a black guy who was convicted and put on death row because the prosecutor purposefully hid exonerating evidence from your lawyer? Go fuck yourself, says Thomas. Are you a racial minority who wants to attend college? Eat this shit, courtesy of Clarence Thomas. Yesterday, Thomas went out of his way to point out that he would strike down affirmative action if given the chance even though no one asked him to rule on that issue. He just wanted to make sure you knew he fucking hates minorities!
Today, though. Today was the white hood on the top of Thomas’s racism cake. In one of its worst opinions of all time, the Supreme Court ruled that Section 4 of the Voting Rights Act is unconstitutional. That section prevented jurisdictions with a history of suppressing the minority vote from changing their voting procedures without approval from the Department of Justice. This procedure has been so effective in improving voter turnout and ending discrimination that the Court decided we don’t need it anymore. Not only did Justice Thomas agree with this, he wrote a separate concurrence just to point out that he’d strike down the other sections of the Act that protect minority voters! WHAT? BECAUSE FUCK BLACK PEOPLE TRYING TO VOTE IN ALABAMA, AM I RIGHT?
2. His wife sucks
One time, Ginny Thomas called Anita Hill and told her she was ready to receive Hill’s apology. This is because Ginny Thomas sucks.
3. He’s Scalia’s “black friend”
One of the worst things about Justice Thomas is, because of his visibility as a Supreme Court Justice, his vile worldview is given undue credence by conservatives. “How can this be racist?” they ask innocently. “My black friend thinks it’s OK!” Justice Scalia has essentially admitted as much, saying that he has followed Thomas’s lead on certain issues—that it was Thomas that led Scalia down a more conservative path, not the other way around.
Nowhere is this “tokenization” of Thomas more evident than the circumstances under which he became a Supreme Court Justice in the first place. Thomas replaced Thurgood Marshall—the first black member of the Court, crusader for civil rights, and former chief counsel of the NAACP. When Justice Marshall retired in 1991, President George Bush, the first of his name, replaced him with Clarence fucking Thomas. Like, oh, Clarence Thomas is black. Good enough. Basically the same as Thurgood Marshall, right? Yeah, sounds good.
4. Did I already mention that he’s a racist dickpile?
In addition to comparing affirmative action policies to slavery, Justice Thomas has also voted against policies that would improve racial integration in schools. Yeah, integration is for nerds. Who needs it? Oh, what’s that? Re-segregation has been accelerating at a break-neck pace as a direct result of Supreme Court decisions that found integration initiatives unconstitutional? And the achievement gap between white students and nonwhite students has widened? Eh, whatever.
5. He hates the ladies. Duh. Of Course.
Okay, all of the conservative justices are horrendous when it comes to the ladies and issues that matter to the ladies, but how many of them (“ALLEGEDLY”) put a pube on their female co-worker’s Diet Coke can? Only Thomas, baby. Only Thomas.
Oh, and by the way. Yesterday, the Court made it nearly impossible for employees who have been sexually harassed to file lawsuits against their creepy supervisors. Hmm! Interesting how Pube Can Thomas got on board with that decision. Sorry, gals. No one wants to hear from you at their Supreme Court confirmation hearing.
Clarence Thomas, you win the Absolute Worst SCOTUS Justice sweepstakes! Congratulations! I hope RBG breaks your gavel, you fucker.
Meagan Hatcher-Mays does a significant amount of yelling on Twitter instead of studying for the bar examination.
Image via Getty.