CIA's Cool New Deputy Used to Hold Erotica Nights at Her Bookstore

As a graduate (and a scholar) in International Relations and Middle East Studies, I’ve eyed my fair share State Department/intelligence jobs before realizing I didn’t want to be another pawn in the enactment of American imperialism and hegemony. But before it dawned on me that I never want to have to remove my nose ring for a job, my main concern with applying for those jobs were the countless Life Decisions that could have ruined my chances of getting security clearance, like trying to sneak into pictures of “celebrity indie stars” whilst wearing a “cute” neon blue mumu dress and chain smoking at music festivals or dating a guy who was a little too into the Grateful Dead. The government isn’t joking around when it comes to intelligence positions, and my friends who have worked in intelligence and security agencies have told me that the background checks they do before they hire you leave no stone unturned. I thought I had no hope.

But fret not, all you Occupy types with burlap backpacks and Che shirts! You may think you have ruined all potential for you to catch turrurists and be like Clare Danes in Homeland, but you, too, can enter the mysterious world of American espionage! Avril Haines, who was just named deputy director of the CIA, replacing Benghazi scape-goat Michael Morell, had a dark and doobie-ous past (I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself). Before reaching the height of political power as a lawyer in the White House Counsel’s office, Haines opened and co-owned an indie bookstore in Baltimore called Adrian’s Book Cafe. More notably, her bookstore held regular “Erotica Nights,” which I can only assume were awesome gatherings of horny Baltimore grunge kids eating vegan lasagna and doing readings of “Carrie’s Story.”