Champagne (Beard) Papi Sizzles Poolside

Illustration for article titled Champagne (Beard) Papi Sizzles Poolside
Image: CHRIS DELMAS/AFP (Getty Images)

Now’s a good a time as ever to check in on what Drake’s been up to, don’t you think?

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Rumor has it that he has a new song coming out with DJ Khaled—nice. Maybe a good contender for song of the summer even though summer is half over (I think), and there are other songs, like every song I hear in 10-second snippets n Tik Tok, that are arguably the song of MY summer, and no one else’s. Regardless, Drake has a song and it’s coming! Ready your loins! If the loins don’t want his music, though, maybe they’ll be interested in this.

Illustration for article titled Champagne (Beard) Papi Sizzles Poolside
Screenshot: @champagnepapi (Other)
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Not much to see here, I guess! Just Drake, glistening faintly from pool water and sweat, staring into the camera in possession of a very bold beard and what is either a come-hither expression or the squint of a man who wishes he had sunglasses. Maybe his sunglasses are behind him, somewhere in the mess that is the very nice outdoor living space I see behind him, covered in scattered towels and swim trunks. Maybe he left them at the bottom of the pool and wants you to engage in the thought exercise of what it would be like to be in the pool with him, all shirtless and chlorinated and, yes, again, bearded.

“I want to play a game” he says. Unsure of why Drake speaks like Jigsaw, but distracted enough by his filthy little beard to engage, you respond in kind. Sure, a game. Seems like a nice way to pass 15 minutes. Why not.

“I’ll dive to the bottom of the pool,” he says. “My sunglasses are down there. Let’s meet in the deep end, but keep your eyes closed. I want you to find the sunglasses by touch.”

A tempting proposition—flailing in the deep end with your eyes closed, grabbing for something that should feel like acetate Versace sunglasses. Is there hope that you’ll grab something else down there, knowing that Champagne Beard Papa has enticed you into what is either the beginning of a murder plot or the start of a particularly bad porn that results in grunting, mediocre rutting somewhere in and around the steps to the shallow end? The risk might be worth the reward. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. The water’s fine.

Managing Editor, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

BecauseOfReasons
BecauseOfReasons

Drake is currently in Barbados; commercial flights here from Canada recently resumed and he was apparently on the very first one. He appears to be gallivanting around merrily without a mask or any regard for social distancing protocols. Meanwhile our covid-19 active case count, which had gone down to 0 before flights resumed, is now on the increase. So yeah, good times!