Celebrity Babies Make the Tabloid World Go 'Round

Once upon a time there were no celebrity tabloids, just people gossiping at the local watering hole, which was literally a hole in the ground with water in it. But then some brilliant person starting carving the likenesses of his friends and neighbors into stone, and the early celebrity weekly was born. It wouldn’t be until years later that one of the grandchildren of that first man realized that if the covers had small children commonly referred to as “babies” on them that these publications – now called “magazines” – could sell for more than a piece of silver.

According to the New York Times, however, this is a story that far too many Americans are not familiar with.

Not every baby is worth its weight in newsprint. At what point a celebrity child emerges from the birth canal after the months that the mother has likely been forced to remain in the safety of her home matters. For instance, some babies are born on the weekend, when everyone is sunnin’ and funnin’ and distracted, while others come out in the middle of the work week when everyone is bored and needs something to talk about at their office water cooler that is actually no longer just a hole in the ground.

And amongst the valued class of magazine “editors”, Royal Babies — aka the progeny of a few people who are rich for absolutely no reason — are considerably more popular than just regular celebrity babies. Just ask Mike Steele, the editor of noted rag Us Weekly:

“There’s definitely been a royal baby boom,” Mr. Steele said. “Our readers love Will and Kate. They’re unique among public figures because they’re 100 percent likable.”

Or Bonnie Fuller, the “brilliant” mind behind the colorful website Hollywood Life:

“The royal baby will become a regular beat, just like Shiloh and Suri were the babies of six years ago,” Ms. Fuller said, referring to the daughters of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, respectively. “The two babies that Hollywood Life audiences are going to be obsessed with are going to be Prince George and Kim Kardashian’s baby, North West.”

And any topic around these babies will do: what they’re eating, who they’re lying on the floor passively with, unable to move their limbs; what hot clubs they’re going to; whether they’ve gotten veneers yet; who does their highlights; how many flatscreens they’ve managed to physically fit on the walls of their elephantine-sized bedrooms – the list goes on.