When it comes to the children of the Real Housewives franchise, many are adored and some are despised, but none are as feared and respected as Milania Giudice of New Jersey. Welcome to Catching Up with Milania, where every week, we—as tribute—will be checking in with my hero, Bravo’s dreaded daughter.
On Sunday night, Bravo premiered the seventh season of Real Housewives of New Jersey with an episode documenting the return of Teresa Giudice from federal prison, where she’d been serving time after being convicted—along with her husband, Joe—of fraud.
Also in the episode: Joe and Melissa Gorga worried that, with the return of Teresa (Joe’s sister), they’d slip into old bad habits and become a broken family again. Jaqueline Laurita has returned to the show and is bringing along her daughter Ashlee (unfortunately), as well as some financial problems of her own. For the first time in forever, there’s nary a Manzo in sight, with new Housewives’ Dolores Catania and Siggy Flicker (who, due to a recent facelift, made her debut looking like Little Edie) stepping into the limelight as official full-time cast members.
But nothing was—as nothing ever is—as important as the return of the Dreaded Milania—beautiful, terrifying Milania—who burned her way into season seven with the fire of a thousand suns. She punched her stupid, thick-necked father in the butt, she battled it out with her foil—the Beloved Gia—for supremacy, and took on the paparazzi that waited outside her home like a tiny rage demon.
“Get out of here, you dumb, stupid people,” she roared. And if they were smart, they would have listened. Instead, on the morning that they wake up coughing blood, they’ll rue the day they crossed the Dreaded and Spectacular Milania.
But while Milania has chilled us to our core with her brute power and strength, we must admit that Teresa’s homecoming was more heartwarming than expected. Maybe it was Gia’s tear-choked “No freakin’ way!” upon seeing her mother (at only 14, she’s done an amazing job of taking care of her sisters over the past several months) or the way they seemed relieved to be together again, but I maybe got a little misty-eyed. A tear out of my right eye for the (temporarily) reunited Giudices, a tear out my left for the Dreaded Milania. (The left one is tattooed on.)