Canadians Elect Guy Named Justin as Their Leader

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And he is non-controversially fuckable.

For the past 79 days, Canadians have been embroiled in the longest campaign in the country since 1872, as the divided populace fought to determine whether the stereotypically liberal country would remain under current Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s conservative, and often bigoted, control. On Monday, the country officially ended Harper’s tenure and replaced him with someone so appealingly liberal he might as well be an IUD with a dick.


Forty-three-year-old Justin Trudeau is a pro-choice, self-proclaimed feminist dedicated to ending tax breaks for the wealthy and legalizing marijuana. And he is hot in the way a Disney villain is hot (see exhibit A) but he is also sometimes hot the way a Disney prince is hot (see exhibit B, above). His is an impressive versatility, to be sure.

Trudeau actually comes from a Canadian dynasty family—powerful like a Bush; beloved like a Kennedy. His father, former PM Pierre Trudeau, was a political rockstar, and sparked a wave of “Trudeaumania” in the country in 1968. He would stay in office for 16 years.

Little Trudeau’s political future was reportedly set in stone from an early age. At a state dinner in 1971, when he was just a wee lad, President Richard Nixon allegedly raised a glass to the tiniest politician and told the room, “I’d like to toast the future prime minister of Canada: to Justin Pierre Trudeau.”

More fun facts about him:

  • His campaign song was Deadmau5’s “The Veldt.”
  • Stephen Harper went after him by making fun of his “nice hair” and calling him “Justin.”
  • He and his wife Sophie Grégoire have three kids: Hadrien, Xavier and Ella-Grace.
  • He acted in a 2007 movie called The Great War.
  • He has a tattoo on his left bicep of Earth surrounded by a Haida raven.
  • He participated in a charity boxing match against conservative Sen. Patrick Brazeau, in which he reportedly “pounded his foe into submission with a series of unschooled but powerful haymakers.”
  • He once gave a partial strip tease, also “for charity.”


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Images via Getty.



That’s it I’m moving to Norway! Just to be clear Trudeau and the Liberals won because of strategic voting, because it was Anyone But Harper/Conservatives. Because he is young and attractive and because people voted for the Canadian dream he was representing. Not because anyone understood or became familiar with the Liberal Platform (which wasn’t released until a few weeks ago). Not because voters truly understood what the “economy” meant. We did what we always do we voted for the other guy. This isn’t change. How is electing the Liberals any different. It’s what we do, just jump between the Cons and the Libs. There are four parties, if we actually wanted change we should have voted Green or NDP. Parties with policies on food scarcity, water preservation, resource preservation, a track record for maintaining the Charter of Human Rights and damn Constitution. Good fucking luck with your jobs and your mortgages and stagnant wages and union busting! Good luck with that health care. You think those precarious casual jobs are going away? Pffft. Tragic.