As television of the 1960s taught us, there are only two ways to prove you’re a real man: go to space or become a cowboy. However, the realest real men are cowboys who go to space in rockets shaped like dongs.
Today one special little billionaire sweatshop owner achieved his dream of exploiting labor and dodging taxes until he had so much money he could fly his white dick all the way into outer space. After a whopping 11 minutes he then drooped back down to Earth, put a 10-gallon hat atop his head—which appears to contain about a gallon of fillers itself—and proceeded to lecture people about the proper kinds of courage and other nonsense.
Bezos’s trip of course arrived on the heels of a whole different white dude billionaire (and possible sexual harasser) who launched himself into space. In the latter’s case, it marked the launch of a potential new business venture: Hurtling the world’s wealthiest people toward the stars where there aren’t any poor people and where the few rules that still apply to them on this earthly coil no longer exist.
They are not alone! Before these white men yeeted themselves into space and history, wore ugly hats, and self-aggrandized in a way that would earn a diagnosis of psychopathy for someone with less money, other white men pretended to do similar things. Test your knowledge of history by seeing if you can tell which of these men is the one who was an absolute fucking tool today, which were absolute fucking tools on other days, and which are James Garner, Donald Sutherland, and Tommy Lee Jones.
