Britney Spears Has a Message for the Paparazzi : )

Britney Spears is currently on a well-deserved vacation from her gilded cage. Free from the oppressive thumb of Daddy, she and Sam Asghari are in Maui! You know who else is in Maui? One bajillion paparazzi, following this woman’s every move. But she has a message for them, in the form of a succinct Reel on Instagram. In short: fuck off!

The caption provides further instruction and some clarity on how she’s feeling at this moment in time:

So being here in Maui is pretty crazy now … the paps know where I am and it’s really not fun !!!! It’s pretty hard going anywhere cause these silly faces keep popping up to take my picture … but not only do they take my picture … they distort my body and mess with the image and it’s embarrassing !!!!! I know my body is not perfect but I definitely do NOT look like how they portray me. It’s rude and it’s mean so paps kindly FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF !!!!

This message is as clear as the sky is blue: if you see Britney Spears in Maui trying to enjoy herself, do not bother her. Treat her like a human being who deserves the right to be in public without being harassed by strangers or camera-wielding paparazzi. Let her frolic on the beach in a bikini or sit with her toes in the sand! Let her LIVE.

As usual, the comments are full of speculation and conspiracy theories about what this message means. Some eagle-eyed commenters noticed that the footage of Brit in a bikini is from her trip to Hawaii last year; others are concerned that because this message is sort of a Powerpoint presentation, it certainly cannot be her. To the first point, I’d echo Britney’s overall sentiments, and to the second, I have a powerful counter. If my mother can use her phone to make slideshows of poorly-lit pictures of her dinner, close-ups of her dog, Nacho, and unflattering photos of all of her children and post them to Instagram with one hand, then I feel confident that Britney Spears didn’t need a computer to make and post this message! Leave her be. [Instagram]

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I’m still working out my thoughts on Olivia Munn and John Mulaney’s burgeoning romance, but this recent item about said romance worries me.

Apparently, Munn is so taken with her comedy man, and cannot bear to be away from his person, or, more specifically his craft: she’s been sneaking into his comedy shows?! Man, what…

For some clarity, here is the insight provided by an “insider” (definitely Munn) to Us Weekly:

“John thinks Olivia is really smart and she makes him laugh too,” the source adds. “They both have a very dry sense of humor.”

I have some questions, namely, why is she sneaking into his comedy shows instead of just going, like a normal person who is dating a comedian? Alternately, why is she going to these shows at all? I’m loving that the biggest bite in this sad bowl of gossip leftovers is that John also thinks Olivia is smart and that she makes him laugh and that they both have a “dry sense of humor.” There is something about this entire arrangement that is fishy to me, though I guess it is truly none of my business. Good luck to those rich and beautiful people. [Us Weekly]

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• Howard Stern is making $500 million at Sirius and is taking the summer off, many of his fans are mad, but I hope he’s spending quality time with Yoda, one of the million cats that lives in his palatial home. [Page Six]
• Some updates on Aunt Becky and the Target Mossimo’s marriage: they’re fine. [Us Weekly]
• I still cannot believe that Reneé Zellweger is dating the man who married, then divorced Christina from Flip or Flop but there is a lot I find unbelievable these days. [People]