Crazy brides are so hot right now/always/especially on TLC. Our latest crazy bride is "Brandy," a woman so deluded by her own right to that cash $$$ that she has inadvertently revealed the true depths of tragedy that make up the wedding industrial complex.
According to Glamour, which got the inside scoop on the rise and fall of this modern friendship, "Gretchen" is a long time friend of Brandy's and was a guest at her wedding. But Gretchen hadn't yet given Brandy a wedding present, largely because Gretchen is still in school and newly unemployed (also, bitches tell me you have up to a year to give a wedding gift). Brandy, however, was one of the those lovely people who made references to how much it was costing her and her fiancé to have this wedding. Gretchen and Brandy then had a text exchange where Gretchen explained the situation and said she'd be giving Brandy a nice card in the meantime (she was going to give her some candles also, but they got lost during a move she'd made). The following exchange then occurred [emphasis ours as we desperately try to ignore the general lack of full sentences on the part of Brandy]:
Brandy: Yrs sucks but really will help us with bills
Gretchen: What I have to give you won't help at all, unfortunately - lost my job right before the wedding, which was completely unexpected and now that school has started I've spent so much money on books and tuition. Had I known, ever, that four parties were going to be held in your honor this year, I would have saved it all and given it to you in a lump sum instead
Brandy: Ok but it's still something instead u coming for free ya know
Gretchen: I'll be by with the card later, if you're not home, I'll leave it with your mother
Brandy: Ill be home
Brandy: So I understand ur strapped for money should I not send an invite for the baby shower in November
After receiving these messages, Gretchen did drop off her card: a sheet of 8.5 x 11 paper with a penny taped to the top that included some beautifully written passages:
I did not realize that I was a price tag to you at your wedding. I also did not realize that by not giving you a cash gift, you would feel as though I attended your wedding "for free"...I have known you for ten years now and I cannot believe that you would not just appreciate my sharing the biggest day of your life with you. I had actually managed to set aside cash for your gift but considering your tacky, hurtful and disgraceful comments earlier, I decided that this amount was more appropriate to give you.
Here is an idea: if you cannot afford a wedding, then do not have one. If you cannot pay your bills by yourself, then do not bring a child in to this world, do not go on vacations and finally, do not dare to make your friends/family feel financially responsible for your decisions/parties/extravagances. Even if I became a millionaire tomorrow, I would rather hop off a cliff than attend your baby shower but thank you for being so concerned for me, that you gave me the option of uninviting myself due to my current financial situation. Never mind that I was one of the first ones to find out about your pregnancy, never mind that I cried my eyes out when I saw your first sonogram and never mind that I've tried to remain a supportive, loving friend by keeping your secrets to myself.
Two questions: 1. Is it wrong that I sort of respect Brandy for her pure commitment in revealing herself to be an entirely horrible human? 2. Is this last sentence a secret dig on Gretchen's part, hinting that perhaps Brandy's growing fetus is fathered by someone other than her new husband? No...just me?