The best reality TV show to never receive a reboot or last more than three seasons was VH1's short-lived reality television dating game show hybrid, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. For those who don’t wistfully wax nostalgic for the years 2007-2009, the show went something like this: a bunch of extremely hot Hard Rock Cafe bartenders were flown to a mansion to compete for the chance to fall in love with Poison frontman Bret Michaels. Instead of roses like in The Bachelor franchise, ladies were presented with backstage passes each week. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” soundtracked nearly every episode, and though the contestants never really seemed to have the same sort of charm as the women of Flavor of Love (essentially the same show, just replace Michaels with Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav), it was endlessly entertaining. I talk about it with more frequency than anyone in 2020 should, and today, I finally have a reason to—Michaels’ tour bus-slash-RV is on the market for $170,000. Welcome to my new tiny home.
According to the gossip site Oh No They Didn’t, Michaels’ bus comes equipped with “a custom propane fireplace,” that also doubles as a heater in the cooler months and/or sexy moments, “a king size bed, a sectional sofa, a walk-in closet, a full kitchen with an electric grill, and five TVs.” It is a “2014 Entegra Coach Aspire RV” with “111,165 miles” on it, which seems like a lot, but then again, if I were to convert it into my new tiny home, it wouldn’t require much mobility. According to the listing on RVTrader.com, Michaels enjoyed the vehicle “for both his personal and professional travel,” which is very gross to think about. If someone were to completely disinfect the vehicle and replace all linens, I think it would be worth the sticker price. Plus, if you care about Michaels at all, he’s throwing in “2 tickets from Bret Michaels personal guest list to a Stadium tour show of your choice as well as a meet and greet and photo opportunity with Bret Michaels,” with the purchase. What a deal.
She’s cute! Now, imagine, say, about $30,000 worth of renovations. You could make that back by starting a YouTube channel and documenting the painstaking reno process. People love that shit, this person included.
First: the upholstery must be replaced. Strip that disgusting Naugahyde and opt for real leather or some other sort of vinyl that won’t capture stains with such ease. Sell the guitars and platinum records for petty cash to replace those disgusting throw pillows and sconce in the upper lefthand corner. I can’t even celebrate them ironically; they are an affront to my eyes.
All of this wood needs to be lightened. Whoever told dudes with machismo issues that dark wood is masculine and sexy should feel shame. The bedding, too, must be immediately replaced (why isn’t there a comforter? There’s only a velour throw blanket? Is Michaels all of my one night stands from age 19-21?)
The headboard needs to be removed as well. Not even replaced. Call me kinky, but I’m a fan of the mirrored background it is undoubtedly obscuring. Make the room look bigger, I say!
But my god, this bathroom? It’s bigger than the one in my pathetic Brooklyn one-bedroom. In the mirror of the closet, you can see a full-size shower. And a washer and a dryer? This is the height of luxury:
A sink for two? After replacing the fixtures and painting the cabinets, I’d say this is a dream. Looks like there might be an iron and an ironing board in that closet—perfect for my business-casual lifestyle.
I do wonder why Bret Michaels never went the full distance and put in a tub—if there is room for five TVs and a working fireplace, there’s probably room for a dip. But I digress. Like most RVs, this one runs on diesel, which could be easily transformed to run on a renewal resource like vegetable oil. That’s nice!
In conclusion, I would absolutely live here. Or, you know, in lieu of that—I would watch a Rock of Love revival that takes place on this bus. Whichever is more likely.