Breast Milk Jewelry: Cool New Way for Moms to Tell the World They've Given Up

Looking for a statement piece that screams, “I’m a mom and I’ve thrown in the towel, aesthetically,” because your faded stretch pants and the food stains on your promotional T-shirt just aren’t getting the message across? Well, you’re in luck. For just $64 – $125 you can have your breast milk encapsulated into a super creepy pendant that’s virtually guaranteed to secretly gross out everyone who asks, “Oh, what’s that you’re wearing?”

I was about to type something like, “Well, if breastfeeding was such a transformative experience for someone, it’s totally cool for her to want a keepsake.” But it’s not totally cool. It’s not even remotely cool. I would probably describe it as “cheesy” but Allicia Mogavero, the lady who makes and sells them on Etsy (of course), is so proud of her milk preservation process that she would probably take it as an insult—or at least, as a different insult than the one that I intended.

When you purchase Breast Milk Pendants from me you can be positive that they will not discolor, turn yellow or spotty. I have perfected a special technique and others cannot offer this same guarantee.

Your milk goes through three separate steps before I can even begin to create with it, none of which change the properties of your milk. The second step is the most important step in guaranteeing no discoloration. After the first three steps there are five more steps that are taken before your pendant starts to cure.

Steps before steps after more steps. Anyway, this shit is for freaks and I can’t even be polite about it. I would say the same thing about any bodily secretion that was turned into an accessory.