Breast Milk Butter Is the Sweetest, Creamiest Thing You've Ever Tasted

If you’ve always wanted to make butter from human breast milk, but don’t know how, the internet is pleased to provide you with something you might have never even known you wanted: A tutorial detailing the magical process of transforming the fluid found in one’s mammaries into a delectable breakfast treat. And there are pictures.

Surprisingly, turning breast milk into butter (unlike spinning straw into gold) takes relatively little time and only requires a container with a lid, breast milk that has been freely given and the power to shake something vigorously for an entire hour. (I’m out at this point because I once almost passed out in the middle of a Ross after trying out the Shakeweight.)

I don’t know what the usual milk-making process entails — although small-batch breast milk butter-making has to be less gross than the commercial dairy industry — but if you’re churning human milk into butter (tentative product name: Milk of Human Kindness) then the strangest part of the process is likely waiting for the milk to clump into little balls of creamy goo to feast upon. And according to The Metro, those balls are delicious. Just, you know, spread them on a slice of bread and go to town. (And then do it all over again as quickly as possible before the milk runs out.) (I am really mad I can’t lactate right now.)

Human milk: It does a body good. Especially when you’ve produced it yourself. (I’m working on the slogan.)