Can you guess Louisiana Governor and unfortunate Kenneth the Page doppelgänger Bobby Jindal's great advice for the GOP as it attempts to retool itself to become more palatable to female voters? Change stuff around so that the party isn't one big, embarrassing celebration of religious wackiness? Stop making fairy stories interpreted to view women as chattel central to your platform? Nope. Keep all the same ideas as before. Just don't talk about them. Bobby Jindal, you huggable Southern asshole.
Jindal, who looks like he smells like Play Doh but talks like he smells like artificial deer urine and Febreeze, shared his bizarre prescription to cure what ails the GOP yesterday on Fox News Sunday. When host Chris Wallace rightfully pointed out that the GOP had been "hammered" on social subjects like abortion, especially with single women, this is how Jindal replied,
Well, Chris, a couple of things. One, I think we can still be true to our principles — I'm pro-life. I follow the teachings of my church and my faith.
But at the same time, I think we can respect those that disagree with us. We don't need to demonize those who disagree with us. We need to respect the fact that others have come to different conclusions based on their own sincerely held beliefs and have a civil debate.
We don't need to demonize — and we also don't need to be saying stupid things [referring to Romney's remarks]. Look, we had candidates in Indiana and Missouri that said offensive things that only hurt themselves and lost those Senate seats, but also have hurt the Republican Party across the board. So, I think we can be true to our principles. We don't need to pander or change our principles, but at the same time, we can be respectful.
Jindal's big solution to getting women to vote Republican? Don't tell women what Republicans actually believe! Piss on their legs and tell them it's raining, very politely.
What Jindal doesn't seem to understand is that what was the problem with statements like Mourdock's and Akin's wasn't the specific words those men chose — although the words were pretty shit-awful. What made women wretch were the ideas behind the words, the idea that the physical trauma of pregnancy that results from the physical trauma of rape should be enforced by the state (or, um, celebrated like a rapey blessing, as Mourdock suggested). Jindal's plan to keep doing everything the same, but more sneaky-like, isn't going to convince women to vote for GOP candidates. Just because Twilight sold fifty gazillion copies doesn't mean women are a bunch of idiots.
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In fact, that might be a great GOP Women Awareness slogan— Women: We Aren't Stupid! Someone get Karl Rove on the horn.