Illustration: Jim Cooke/GMG Art

We’re in day two of this year’s March Madness: Pre-Apocalypse vs. Post-Apocalypse, and folks, the competition is flaming hot, as we say in the athletics world!

On Monday, we kicked off Round 1 with a few predictable wins and a few nail-biters. Birth Control (1) won out over Ivanka Trump (16) in a frickin landslide, with Ivanka receiving only 7 percent of the vote. Sorry, girl, you are not loved, ha ha! Wellness (16) beat Capitalism (1) by only 11 points, meanwhile, and Trump Somehow Still President (16) took out Being a Handmaid (1) after significant and agonizing back-and-forth in the comments section. And of course, Mad Max Fashion (16) creamed Immortal Tech Billionaires (1), a rare but very well-deserved setback for our future libertarian overlords.

Today, we’ll finish off the first half of Round 1. Reminder: this year, you’re voting for the thing you think is better (or less terrible, as the case may be). Eins, zwei, drei, let us begin!

First up, from the Pre-Apocalypse Nature Division: Chopped Salads (8) goes head-to-head with Bikini Waxes (9). Do you prefer painful personal grooming rituals, or eating leaves as food?

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Next, we have New York Times Op-Ed Columnists (5) vs. An Ocean With Fish In It (12). There’s no way for me to pretend this is a tough one, sorry, please do the right thing:

Now we’re looking at Bees (4) versus Skiing (13), in what must be an agonizing choice for all you sporting enthusiasts. Will you save the pollinators at the expense of sliding down a hill on two flat things? Do let me know:

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Moving on: Woke Teens on Social Media (6) battle it out with the somewhat more ancient concept of Pets (11). Both are loud and fun, but only one will rest a kind paw on your face and puke on the carpet.

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Which will win the day: Anti-Depressants (3) or Contouring (14), the anti-depressant of the face? Tell me!

Next we have Iced Coffee (7) vs. Anti-Vaxxers (10). Would you rather drink a cold, slightly less acidic caffeinated beverage, or maintain the inaccurate belief that the government is knowingly creating an autism epidemic through the distribution of medically necessary vaccines? So hard to say:

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And in our last Round 1 matchup for the Pre-Apocalypse Nature Division, we have 70 Degree Days (2) vs. Professional Haircuts (15). A truly impossible choice, and yet one that you must make:

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Moving on to the Pre-Apocalypse Nurture Division, we begin with Filing Taxes (8) vs. Postmates (9). One is a thing you have to do, the other, a convenient service that I personally have never used. Which will prevail?

Ooh, an exciting matchup we’ve got next: Megachurches (5) takes on Indoor Plumbing (12). Corporate religion or flushing your poop? Cleansing your bod, or cleansing your soul? Who will come out on top?

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The competition thickens, as us Sportpeople like to put it, with Amazon’s Alexa (4) vs. 24-Hour News Networks (13). Both upsetting in their own ways, one is available to watch at all times, while one is watching you. Which is more convenient? Which is more likely to directly result in your mysterious disappearance? Cast your vote here:

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Next, Bitcoin (6) makes a valiant effort to overcome the clear advantages of Online Shopping (11). Do you like things that do not make sense, or bikinis that you can try on in the privacy of your own home? Don’t let my clear bias sway you:

Sephora (3), a place that steals my money, will now face off against Failing Public Transit (14), which also steals my money. Who’s it gonna be?

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As we near the finish line, the Disappearing Middle Class (7) aims to take on Automatic Bill Pay (10). This feels easy, but who am I, a simple basketball recreation commentator, to tell you what to do?

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And last up in the Pre-Apocalypse Nurture Division, we’ve got a doozy: Tinder (2) vs. InfoWars (15). Where will this go? Finding love, or finding hatred and paranoia? Men whose profiles read “Professional Ass Eater,” or men who run around shirtless and red-faced screaming about gay frogs? Make your vote count:

We’ll see you tomorrow, where we’ll finish up the rest of Round 1! Here’s the full bracket for your reference.

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