'Big Dick Energy' Pete Davidson Is Slowly Sucking the Soul From Rich Kid Kaia Gerber, One Make-Out Session at a Time
Celebrities
Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, an incredibly serious tabloid about incredibly serious things, like the fate of Madonna’s favorite eyepatch, or why Justin Bieber was recently photographed crying his eyes out in Miami. With the holidays ramping up, and the Yuletide spirit becoming an unstoppable cultural force hellbent on ruining everything around us, it’s important to check in on those we care about most—the famous people in our lives. Everyone knows they have it the hardest this time of year, as it’s a lot of work traveling back and forth from Los Angeles to every private island currently accessible to the rich and famous!
Anyway, let’s get gossiping!
Hot Gossip:
Everyone, and I literally mean everyone, is having an extremely terrible Christmastime—according to In Touch! The tabloid’s big story this week concerns a variety of feuds and heartbreaks and scandals that have erupted in the lives of our most beloved celebrities, just in time for the holidays!
- Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were spotted having an “explosive fight” outside Garner’s home right after Thanksgiving. Photographers snapped photos of them arguing while Garner held some sort of beverage, before the two drove in a tense silence to a nearby Starbucks, where the fight continued. Tipsters tell In Touch that the fight revolved around Ben’s “struggles with sobriety” this holiday season, which seems like neither In Touch or this tipster’s business. Let them fight publicly, but leave his sobriety alone!
- Justin Bieber was seen crying in Miami on November 27, just days after skipping the VMAs, where ex-Selena Gomez triumphantly stumbled her way through a song about him. Sources claim it’s because his marriage to Hailey Bieber is “suffering,” and “they’re going to call it quits.” Not to be rude, but I highly, highly doubt that their handlers at Hillsong would allow a breakup to overshadow Jesus’ upcoming birthday! (Or the free publicity their marriage affords the mega-church.)
- This story is rather depressing! Nefarious tipsters claim Gwen Stefani has been trying in-vitro fertilization treatments with Blake Shelton for “years” to no avail. Because of this, the couple is “heartbroken,” especially because there were “times [Stefani] was convinced Blake was going to leave her.” Again, I highly doubt it, considering how many stories they sell to the tabloids, or the massively popular network television show that hinges on their romance, but who can really say!
- Aunt Becky is also battling rumors that she will be spending Christmas in prison! Experts agree she could be looking at 45 years in the slammer (although most everyone else with a shred of common sense doubts this), while sources claim the legal situation has cast a long shadow over her Yuletide festivities. One source says: “Lori is terrified of spending Christmas inside a cell. She will be all alone. She doesn’t want to be separated from her family, especially this time of year, and she wishes she’d taken a deal in the beginning like Felicity Huffman.” Sad!
Elsewhere, Star claims that Madonna’s kids would like Madame X to lose her eyepatch. Sources claiming to be “close” to her family allege: “Madonna has a lot of fans who love every wacky thing she doesn’t, especially her fashion choices, but her children aren’t always on board with her unique style.” Star also notes: “While the 61-year-old has noted that kids ‘teach you to stop being obsessed with yourself,” she’s clearly smitten with her latest alter ego.” For those who might not remember, the eyepatch first surfaced during her tepid album promotion cycle for Madame X, where it has somehow remained glued to her cranium ever since. The sacred object was allegedly inspired by Martha Graham who, according to Madonna, couldn’t ever remember who she was. So naturally, the dance icon dubbed the young singer “Madame X.” Strange, but ironically, I can never remember what Madame X’s daughter Lourdes looks like, or who she is, generally. Maybe it’s time for Madonna to pass the patch to her brood, so they can finally get recognized at airports and award shows!
