'Big Dick Energy' Pete Davidson Is Slowly Sucking the Soul From Rich Kid Kaia Gerber, One Make-Out Session at a Time

Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, an incredibly serious tabloid about incredibly serious things, like the fate of Madonna’s favorite eyepatch, or why Justin Bieber was recently photographed crying his eyes out in Miami. With the holidays ramping up, and the Yuletide spirit becoming an unstoppable cultural force hellbent on ruining everything around us, it’s important to check in on those we care about most—the famous people in our lives. Everyone knows they have it the hardest this time of year, as it’s a lot of work traveling back and forth from Los Angeles to every private island currently accessible to the rich and famous!

Anyway, let’s get gossiping!

Hot Gossip:

Everyone, and I literally mean everyone, is having an extremely terrible Christmastime—according to In Touch! The tabloid’s big story this week concerns a variety of feuds and heartbreaks and scandals that have erupted in the lives of our most beloved celebrities, just in time for the holidays!

• Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were spotted having an “explosive fight” outside Garner’s home right after Thanksgiving. Photographers snapped photos of them arguing while Garner held some sort of beverage, before the two drove in a tense silence to a nearby Starbucks, where the fight continued. Tipsters tell In Touch that the fight revolved around Ben’s “struggles with sobriety” this holiday season, which seems like neither In Touch or this tipster’s business. Let them fight publicly, but leave his sobriety alone!
• Justin Bieber was seen crying in Miami on November 27, just days after skipping the VMAs, where ex-Selena Gomez triumphantly stumbled her way through a song about him. Sources claim it’s because his marriage to Hailey Bieber is “suffering,” and “they’re going to call it quits.” Not to be rude, but I highly, highly doubt that their handlers at Hillsong would allow a breakup to overshadow Jesus’ upcoming birthday! (Or the free publicity their marriage affords the mega-church.)
• This story is rather depressing! Nefarious tipsters claim Gwen Stefani has been trying in-vitro fertilization treatments with Blake Shelton for “years” to no avail. Because of this, the couple is “heartbroken,” especially because there were “times [Stefani] was convinced Blake was going to leave her.” Again, I highly doubt it, considering how many stories they sell to the tabloids, or the massively popular network television show that hinges on their romance, but who can really say!
• Aunt Becky is also battling rumors that she will be spending Christmas in prison! Experts agree she could be looking at 45 years in the slammer (although most everyone else with a shred of common sense doubts this), while sources claim the legal situation has cast a long shadow over her Yuletide festivities. One source says: “Lori is terrified of spending Christmas inside a cell. She will be all alone. She doesn’t want to be separated from her family, especially this time of year, and she wishes she’d taken a deal in the beginning like Felicity Huffman.” Sad!

Elsewhere, Star claims that Madonna’s kids would like Madame X to lose her eyepatch. Sources claiming to be “close” to her family allege: “Madonna has a lot of fans who love every wacky thing she doesn’t, especially her fashion choices, but her children aren’t always on board with her unique style.” Star also notes: “While the 61-year-old has noted that kids ‘teach you to stop being obsessed with yourself,” she’s clearly smitten with her latest alter ego.” For those who might not remember, the eyepatch first surfaced during her tepid album promotion cycle for Madame X, where it has somehow remained glued to her cranium ever since. The sacred object was allegedly inspired by Martha Graham who, according to Madonna, couldn’t ever remember who she was. So naturally, the dance icon dubbed the young singer “Madame X.” Strange, but ironically, I can never remember what Madame X’s daughter Lourdes looks like, or who she is, generally. Maybe it’s time for Madonna to pass the patch to her brood, so they can finally get recognized at airports and award shows!

Life & Style also claims in this week’s issue that Tori Spelling is deep in the throes of holiday shopping, despite the cancellation of her show and her continued severance from the Spelling family fortune. Bills to debtors might be piling up, but the influencer and occasional actress still wants to get her kids those envied Target toys for Christmas. You honestly can’t blame her, because who wouldn’t want to do the same! (Although, the average person isn’t millions in credit card debt, or famous, which certainly complicates things!) Further inside, the magazine claims that Rihanna lives in a $600 million “dream world,” filled with her billionaire boyfriend, private planes, junk food, and a rental home in London that costs $20,000 a day. Can someone please pass the memo to her before it’s too late, that many are actually planning to eat the rich in the coming years? I’d hate for her to be a casualty of the class wars!

Horny Time:

It’s cold outside, which means everyone is extremely horny right now! In Touch claims that Gigi Hadid and former boy-bander Zayn Malik are “back on,” even though they’ve neither commented publicly nor been photographed together. There’s also a disturbing series of photos in Star, depicting a French-kissing session between Pete Davidson and Kaia Gerber. One “insider” spills: “They were just so hot and heavy, they couldn’t seem to keep their hands off each other.” Poor Kaia! Ancient cultures tell of incubi spirits who roam the mortal plane, looking to possess unsuspecting young women. I believe the model has fallen sway to one, if any of his ex-girlfriends are to be believed. (Ariana Grande only recently stopped speaking about the size of his penis, which means his magic is especially potent!)

Remember Caitlyn Jenner? Ok! reports that her girlfriend Sophia Hutchins has been playing fast and loose with her massive fortune while Jenner is marooned in Australia, competing on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! Hutchins’s spoils? A house remodel, jewels, spa treatments, and a whole suite of Christmas gifts. Some may disagree, but I think it’s a stunning example of forcibly redistributing assets from the extremely wealthy! Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Justin Hartley and Chrishell Stause. The couple is splitting despite “seeming happy and in love at a viewing party they recently hosted,” per the outlet. Despite what sources tell Ok!—that the two are splitting because of the strain his career put on his marriage—others now claim it’s mostly because he wants to keep her hands off a massive, incoming payday.

Meanwhile, Life & Style reveals that Jezebel shero Irina Shayk is looking to date, now that she’s put Bradley Cooper and his proclivity for Italian character actresses far, far behind her. As I previously reported, Shayk was spotted with a still-unidentified “mystery man” in New York City last month, where the two enjoyed a festive and slightly horny day bopping around the city. Sources tell Life & Style that she might not be in a relationship with him or anyone, but her girlfriends are “trying to find her a good man, and all that she asks is that he isn’t an actor.” With all the rich men and women she runs into at various fashion and entertainment events, I’d suggest looking for a nice, stable venture capitalist to wait out the apocalypse with!

And even though nobody is asking, or cares, about Justin Timberlake’s side of the story, Us Weekly has committed a substantial amount of ink to it this week! While the rest of us have been busy pointing at him, someone—definitely not Timberlake or his publicist—has phoned up American Media to explain: “Justin and Alisha are just friends. Nothing remotely romantic is going on, [and Wainwright] has been dating an actor who lives in L.A. [Timberlake and Wainwright] are like brother and sister.” Sounds creepy!

What the Fuck Did She Wear?

Greta Gerwig and Olivia Wilde both stepped out in “safari themed” Hermés dresses, although I wish that both had kept them locked up and far, far out of sight. No more Hermés on the red carpet, please! Gwendoline Christie sparkled in a perfectly fine Miu Miu goddess draped something or other, while I’m still baffled over the terrible dress Dancing With the Stars producers forced Hannah Brown to wear when accepting her big, sparkly disco ball. Christina Aguilera emerged from the mist wearing shoulder pads as glaring as her recent album sales. Somewhere else, Hailey Baldwin triumphantly strutted along in a beach towel, see-through skirt, and bralette. I’m not entirely mad at it!

I’d also like to point out that Hoda Kotb wore macrame to her engagement, which is the most rich lady getting engaged ensemble I’ve ever seen. The lady marrying the racist Duck Dynasty man wore an ugly wedding dress, and Miley Cyrus debuted a fringe in a normcore-adjacent knit sweater I’d like to borrow! Ethan Hawke wandered around like my husband on his worst days, in an outfit he also owns; elsewhere in New York City, Kacey Musgraves strutted along in a missed opportunity. The coat and makeup and hair are fine, but I can’t look past the terrible dress they’ve been styled with. It should’ve been a suit! Then, of course, there is Candace Cameron Bure, who was photographed in an outfit worn by every mother of my many elementary school enemies. At least she stayed true to her brand!

I’d also like to take this moment to applaud Jessica Alba, who successfully pulled off the impossible: Wearing a Ralph & Russo gown I don’t detest with every fiber of my existence. It’s incredibly hard to pull off “spoiled princess chic” without looking tacky—just ask Camila Cabello—but the styling here is impeccable. The matching bag, the scrappy heels, the demure earring, and ostentatious tiara. Everything works together in perfect harmony. Good job, Jessica! It appears the $200 million cash infusion your company absorbed after being sued by a bunch of moms for faulty products and false advertising has worked out for you!

Shit Talking:

• Jameela Jamil, on British people: “We’re terrible, cold, dead people.” [Us Weekly]
• Tina Fey, on why she claims her daughters won’t be “mean girls”: “If I see mean girl behavior, I try to sit on it.” [In Touch]
• Victoria Beckham, on being most famous for the ability to lift her legs over her head: “People tag me in pictures of their cats doing it, their dogs doing it, their babies doing it. It’s very entertaining.” [Us Weekly]
• Ariana Madix, on definitely not sponsored Lincoln MKZ Hybrid: “I’ll never go back to a regular fast engine.” [Life & Style]
• Kesha Rose, on buying crystals: “Whenever I go somewhere, I usually get a crystal.” [Us Weekly]
• Daisy Ridley, on being a celebrity apparently: “I don’t refer to myself like that. I’m in a film a lot of people like.” [Ok!]
• Rachel Ray, on your racist uncles showing up for the holidays: “If you don’t like them, don’t invite them!” [Us Weekly]