When Jezebel first debuted Barf Bag in 2016, it was because we were trying to wrap our heads around the staggering election of a blustering demagogue whose knowledge of American politics was commensurate to the size of his tiny, tiny hands. In those days, our gallows humor manifested in kinetic chaos, a will to break shit, and a melange of rude and withering descriptors of a man whose pancake makeup was about the hue of a mashed sweet potato.
I do not have to remind you how the last three years have gone. As we trudge through the perhaps (and hopefully) endless impeachment hearings and wade into a mind-bogglingly stacked Democratic primary, we thought it prudent to refocus what we cover in the Barf Bag, focusing less on the distracting antics of a mismanaged and wholly unfit, unpatriotic administration, and more on what’s to come—the election, the impeachment, the activism, and whatever light we might hope to find at the end of this political tunnel, which has become increasingly akin to Plato’s cave.
As such, we’re slightly shifting the column’s format. Barf Bag will be reborn as the occult night sister of Dirt Bag, and perhaps most importantly, we will no longer republish the tweets the president somehow continues to be allowed to tweet—because fuck that guy. Welcome to the new Barf, and please clap for our Art Director Jim Cooke’s reimagining of our logo which, like our country, is barfier than ever.
Does it surprise you that Vanessa Cárdenas, the Joe Biden staffer responsible for the Sisyphean task of running the campaign’s Latinx/African-American/women’s outreach, has resigned her post? (If it does, perhaps you missed the November debate, in which Biden defended Obama’s deportation record, stumbled over an answer about domestic violence “except in self defense,” and, amazingly, tried to tell Cory Booker about his own origins in the “black community,” all while on the Oprah Winfrey soundstage at Tyler Perry Studios in Atlanta, Georgia.)
Cárdenas resigned last week, according to Politico, whose sources—not Cárdenas—said she left because Biden was being a dumbass (typical). Per these sources, Marc Caputo writes that she “felt the campaign wasn’t heeding her advice on immigration,” and that she “kept banging her head against the wall trying to get them to take the community more seriously... It became too much.” Too much is how I feel whenever Biden steps to a mic, and too much is how much he’s leading in these janky ass polls. My heart goes out to you, Vanessa, email firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to chat! [Politico]
FREE CONAN! After many stops and starts, the flailing president finally got to meet the dog who was injured in the al Baghdadi raid, honoring Conan with a medal, an award, and a gift certificate for a free bacon egg and cheese at his local Carl’s Jr., because nutrition is important. While the dog is cute, the spectacle was utterly grotesque. To point out the obvious: All of Trump’s most successful propaganda photo ops are with honorees who cannot actually speak. The dog, the baby. Melania. I don’t need to explain this to you, but just thought it was important to note. Also, typically, the White House misgendered the dog. [NBC News]
- Sarah Huckabee Sanders is probably running for governor of Arkansas, but perhaps grosser, she is the owner of a guitar signed by her father, Mike Huckabee, which reads “always rocking for daddy!” That shit ain’t right. [New York Times]
- If the House impeaches Trump by Christmas, I swear on the rose-scented cloak of La Virgen I will go back to mass again at least once. [CNN]
- Of course Long Island would vote for Lara Trump. But I beseech the fair denizens of that burg, wouldn’t you rather see her on Real Housewives of Mar-a-lago? Hell’s number one rated Bravo program. [New York Times]
- George Papadopoulos, traitor for Russia and ex-con, is running on an “America First” campaign, which is ironic! [Huffpost]
- Nearly half of cancer patients are losing their entire life savings trying to pay for life-saving care, which is as good an argument for Medicare-for-All as any of the trillion good arguments for Medicare-for-all. [Insider]
- Rudy Giuliani is in deeper and deeper shit and (excuse the cliché) I! Am! Here! For! It! [Wall Street Journal]
- Yang is crying again, which is fitting for an ex-goth, but unbecoming of a man who regularly appears on national television wearing a MATH button. [Politico]
- Warren is leading among LGBTQIA+ voters! [Out]