Attention, Attention: Winter Is No Longer Funny or Cute

It is the second-to-last week in February and here on the east coast of these United States, it feels like winter will never end. All the joy is gone. And I am very sorry, but cheeky jokes about winter are no longer funny, because the relentlessly biting cold has frozen my sense of humor.

This grueling winter has brought snowy owls (traditionally residents of the Arctic) to New York. Oh, and this is what fucking Boston looks like now. Goodbye, Boston:

Nobody’s even seen Maine for weeks. Where did you go, Maine? Will you ever return?

Meanwhile, the National Weather Service in Alaska thinks they’re real cute:

This is Tennessee right now:

And now, the AP reports that with the latest Southern cold snap, the cops of Harlan, Kentucky, have issued an “arrest warrant” via Facebook for Elsa, of Frozen fame:

All points bulletin!!! HPD has issued an arrest warrant for Queen Elsa of Arendelle. Suspect is a blonde female last seen wearing a long blue dress and is known to burst into song “Let it Go!” As you can see by the weather she is very dangerous. Do not attempt to apprehend her alone.

Sorry, what was that? I’m too busy trying to scrape these frozen tears off my face, leftover from my commute into work. NOT AMUSED. Worst of all, we’re getting Frozen jokes instead of The Long Winter jokes. The least this winter can do is throw me a couple of Almanzo’s-grain-wall references. If you need me I’ll be in the corner, curled up in a nest of blankets and potato chips. Fuck this winter.